February 18th, 2011
The Ugh Files: Aurora Oliveira, Escort To the Italian Footy Stars?
Aurora’s other interests include charity work, knitting and lawn green bowls. Images: SoloGossip.it; Telegraphbuzz.com.
Two weeks ago, sex solicitor Aurora Oliveira was a guest on Italian TV show, “Chiambretti Night”, to tell all about the prostitution tactics she used to romp with several unidentified Serie A footballers and Italian NT players. Her scandalicious gossip was so great, that the show invited her back just days later to facilitate a further ratings rise.
Although Ms. Oliveira made some potentially damning allegations against a bunch of ‘ballers – some of which warranted threatening calls from her clients should she dare name and shame them during her second interview – we’ve been abnormally sluggish when disseminating this ‘news’ to you folks.
Turns out, we’ve even lost the vigor needed to regularly ransack the lifestyles of the rich and talented in a snarky, light-hearted manner. With these ‘pay-for-play‘ rumours and other such infidelity issues among the footy elite becoming more regular, we’ve taken a step back, hoping our refusal to dignify will cause these stories to cease with immediate effect.
Clearly, it hasn’t worked.
So, with the ‘delusion of grandeur’ pills safely back in the locked medicine cabinet, all we have to offer by way of shoddy summary is the Kickette Richter Scale Magnitude rankings. Our unscientific system assigns a composite score for each of Aurora’s claims, calibrated by the measurable amount of public humiliation her paying customers would suffer plus a multiple of the number of visible injuries their partners would inflict should she ever release their names (or proof that validates her claims).
Claim #1: Oliveira said she has slept with “many Serie A players – even some from the [Italian] national team”.
Kickette Richter Scale Magnitude (0 – 10, with 10 decimating their manhood): 5.1 May cause damage to poorly constructed relationships in the short term. Only minor damage to better maintained unions anticipated.
Claim #2: Many of her said trysts have often occurred “a day or so before big games”.
Kickette Richter Scale Magnitude: 3.2 Noticeable trembling of staff members patrolling hotels’ hallways. Rattling noises possible, but significant public damage unlikely because a majority of WAGs would remain firmly planted in their Italian marble hallways.
Claim #3: She admitted that all of her conquests were with ‘ballers who were (and still are, for the time being) married with children. “They have no remorse…sometimes they’ll speak to me about family arguments, others remain silent.”
Kickette Richter Scale Magnitude: 10.0 An explosion so epic, it’s never been registered. We envision that the acrylic nail aftermath would be plenty biblical.
Kickette Richter Scale Magnitude:9.5. Guaranteed to thermonuke a marriage in a singular, mushroom-cloud combustion. Eye-watering public apologies would be unavoidable; this is the kind of blast that vaporizes credibility in an instant. Worse still, the ballistic trajectory of PMS-induced aftershocks would wreak havoc on the division of assets portion of a couple’s divorce proceedings.
Claim #5: How it all goes down, according to Aurora, is a three-step ordeal. First, she books the room, then pays for it. Once the dirty deeds were allegedly finished, she’d push for a room refund from the footballer.
Kickette Richter Magnitude: 1.5. Generally not felt in one’s bank account, but mentally recorded by the wives’ and girlfriends for offensive detonation in future fights. Minor eardrum swelling, major ego bruising.
Claim #6: When pressed for an explanation as to why footballers choose her over other, younger service girls, this ‘luxury escort’ (her words, not ours) cited her “professional experience“. (Background: Ms. Oliveira is a retired porn star turned prostitute – with aspirations of forging a serious acting career)
Kickette Richter Magnitude: 2.2 Slightly disturbing, in that great belches of self-aggrandising smoke are likely to interfere with normal day to day activity. However, this will clear in time, leaving a vaguely unpleasant burning smell that can easily be dispersed with a can of air freshener.
Claim #7: She’s also done phone sex and sent nudie snaps of herself via SMS.
Kickette Richter Magnitude: 4.0 A low level disturbance with far reaching tremors on the embarrassment sub-scale. Risk of emotional blackmail would be amplified for some months after the initial shocks had passed.