June 2nd, 2010

The WAG Trade: A Moment of Reflection

Elen Rives (left) & Danielle Lloyd WAG it up. (Images: Getty Images)

To be a WAG is to, by definition, exist as the extension of a man. The clue, obviously, is in the name. And though our feminist principles bristle at the very notion, we’re torn. Kickettes, it’s very difficult to maintain any principles at all in the face of such compensations.

Yup. It’s true. We’re fashion-whores.

You see, the tabloids (and popular opinion) would have us believe that a WAG has nothing about her apart from the ‘qualities’ that may have attracted her ‘baller boy in the first place. And while we cheerfully admit that here at Kickette HQ we’re more than happy to exploit this stereotype (they do rather walk into it, don’t they?) we’re also aware that occasionally a rogue WAG breaks rank and does something worthy.

This kind of outrageous behaviour doesn’t fit in with the idea of the tanned, shopping obsessed, peroxide-ridden creatures we’ve come to know and obsess about and thus rarely gets reported on. So we thought we might hand out a little love.

Brace yourself, Kickettes. We’re going to try to be nice.

Elen Rives

Famous for: being Frank Lampard’s ex and exploitation of cats.

Broke our wizened, cynical hearts: In episode two of the BBC’s ‘WAGs, Kids & World Cup Dreams’ by tearing up while talking about her feelings for Frank since their break up.

Made us cheer by: In the same show, efficiently demonstrating how to put on a condom. Her model? A wooden penis.

Disproved the ‘Useless WAG’ tag by: Running a marathon, for goodness sake.

Sylvie Van Der Vaart

Famous for: Being married to Rafael Van Der Vaart. Managing the whole hair and teeth WAG concept very effectively.

Broke our wizened, cynical hearts: By receiving a devastating diagnosis of breast cancer. Stoically going through treatment without making a fuss.

Made us cheer by: Making post chemotherapy hair look like a fashion statement.

Disproved the ‘Useless WAG’ tag by: Having considerably more about her than WE gave her credit for. Getting through to the final of German TV’s ‘Let’s Dance’. Go Sylvie!

Claire Merry

Famous for: Dating and then marrying Thierry Henry after meeting him on the set of a Renault advert.

Broke our wizened, cynical hearts: By claiming half of Thierry’s fortune

Made us cheer by: Wearing this. Sweet tweets about her daughter that show Claire to be a warm, fun and loving mama.

Disproved the ‘Useless WAG’ tag by: Working her ass off making bee-yootiful items for the likes of us to wear.

Danielle Lloyd

Famous for: Dating everybody. Without discrimination. Tweeting constantly. Without discrimination.

Broke our wizened, cynical hearts: By going on British television and acting like a total ass.

Made us cheer by: Providing endless fodder for Kickette Fashion Disaster posts. What’s that, Danielle? A purple velour tracksuit with lavender headband? Seriously?

Disproved the ‘Useless WAG’ tag by: Well, Dani’s still working on this one. But we feel that settling down with a cutie boy and having his cutie bubba is a step in the right direction.

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12 Responses to “The WAG Trade: A Moment of Reflection”

  1. Inés says:

    I love Sylvie, coz she works! for god's sake!

    I also like Danielle Lloyd, coz she dated everybody! hell yeah Dan!

    erm…where is Melanie Slade? she deserves your love and respect for being a down-to-earth girl that put her career first, and didn't let herself go with all the Wag s***!

  2. S says:

    Steve McManaman's wife is a barrister and was a professor of law at a Spanish university during their time in Madrid.

  3. dvidic says:

    i swear that dress elen is wearing is from asos.

  4. Missy Manchester says:

    *singing Sesame Street song*

    ….One of these WAGs is not like the others,

    One of these WAGs just doesn't belong,

    Can you tell which WAG is not like the others

    By the time I finish my song? …..

    I believe Elen, Claire and Sylvie genuinely love(d) their men and based their relationship on more than just a bank account and a football pedigree. Danielle? Puh-leeze. Fake. Fake. And oh yes. Fake.

  5. Ella says:

    I am really starting to miss Elen. I must be losing it, but she's so wacky and seems to have genuine feelings for Frank. Plus I just hate Bleakley!

    Kickette, can you continue this with more WAGS? Abby, Alex, Olalla, Ana Vidic, etc? Would love to hear your inner most thoughts on the rest!

  6. Thea says:

    Really think the ones you have featured are vacuous with the exception on Slyvie of course. Danielle proved herself to be a racist and someone who dates footballers professionally for fame and money – Not a good role model!

  7. Lora says:

    Sylvie is me favourite by far for everything you've right here plus I've also read somewhere that she had studied in university(not sure about this thriugh) and speaks three languages. well done

  8. laura-8 says:

    I wish Frank would come to his senses and beg Elen to take him back after he's been slagging it around with the fame whore bleakley