August 13th, 2009
The Finest Five: New Season, New-ish List
Sunderland’s Kenwyne Jones and his statuesque, art-gallery worthy proportions humbly request your attention. Kickette has finally updated the damn F5 list. Please do read on.
1. Iker Casillas, Real Madrid
Let’s just call like we see it: Iker is one mighty mofo. Stubble is one thing, but our very own Captain Jack Sparrow is known to go mano e mano with any measly minion threatening his goalposts.
His clothes and shoes suck, but they’re easily removable anyway. Leaving Iker on top makes the world a better place. And enough with “San Iker” – let’s talk Messiah status already.
2. Yoann Gourcuff, Bordeaux
One of our favourite Frenchmen retains his spot on our list, namely because in evolutionary terms we are highly attracted to the eyelash genes he could pass on to our offspring. Yoann also continues to strip off on a regular basis , and his impressive penchant for public nudity puts him within the ranks of other former long-term F5 members like Becks and C-Ron.
3. Miguel Torres, Real Madrid
Sure, his plumped/perfect posterior keeps the benches warm wherever he travels, but can you think of a more well-behaved booty to do the job? Miguel Torres is that rare combination of Bambi-eyed innocence, Menudo-grade pouty face and straight up sizzle. He’s like Dionne from Clueless (Sergio is Cher, duh). He’s a real life Ken doll to play with, only slightly less plastic.
You have to give props where due: those lips are sought after in every doctor’s office from Manhattan to Paris. He’s Restalyne hot and we like it.
4. Kenwyne Jones, Sunderland
This tall Trinidadian’s spot on our list is long overdue. Kenwyne’s a hard working family man, and his smile could charm the pants off the grouchiest of shop-girls that refuse to show you the new season Louboutins even when you know they just shipped and are in the back room waiting to find a new home. One flash of those pearly whites and you’d be on the private shopping list for life.
5. Torsten Frings, Werder Bremen
Admittedly, we tend to fall for the pretty boys here at Kickette HQ, but lately we’ve been wanting a little I-have-a-scar, macho-don’t-talk-back-o, this-man-is-in-charge and is also slightly-grouchy-about-life-in-general kind of man. You know, a long-haired, Viking-hot set up in our lives. Torsten Frings is that set up.
He’s got all kinds of no nonsense sex appeal: 1. He looks like he would be able to open a bottle of wine without needing a corkscrew. 2. Don’t worry about sharing products, Darth Vader doesn’t do conditioner. 3. He’s totally worth getting crushed in a mosh pit for. 4. His name makes us think of onion rings. Of course he’s on the list.
we still love you all.
Especially you, Cesc. We can’t guarantee how long we can go without you on the F5. Regardless of the masses telling us otherwise, you are a sexy piece of geek and we nub nu.
A quick reminder to all: the F5 is our completely subjective (and suggestive) “of the moment” lust – and love - list.
It’s the all-rounders. Men that are currently stimulating our hearts, minds and loins.
The doors to the debate are now open. Welcome!
Who would be on your list? What do you think of our choices? Go on, we can take it. Unless you say something bad about Iker. Then we pout and take away your chocolate biscuit privileges.
Don’t forget: Elite XI still to come!