June 22nd, 2011

Theo Walcott & Melanie Slade: On A Mission


Mel adjusts her GPS tracker while Theo studies the instruction manual for his mobile communicator headgear. We’re not optimistic as to the success of this mission, if we’re being honest.

Despite articulating our views on the Cesc Fabregas vacay situation a couple of days ago, we still don’t feel that we have the kind of closure we need to allow us to rest easy in our beds. The sight of one of our men wandering poolside in a befuddled manner with an unidentifiable female companion troubles us deeply.

Hence why, at great personal cost to ourselves, we’ve dispatched two of our best operatives to comb the beach bars and swimming pools of Nice, France, to gather information and sightings of the ‘couple’. Carefully made up to resemble a typical footballer and his partner on holiday, Theo Walcott and Melanie Slade will be remaining incognito on their loungers for the foreseeable future, advising Kickette of any breaking news via a special video link system concealed in Theo’s hat.

Do not approach them. They’re working, goddamn it!

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29 Responses to “Theo Walcott & Melanie Slade: On A Mission”

  1. Gdub says:

    He is such a cutie to me— I would lick his feet!

  2. mel says:

    I must say, I'm not a fan of the bikini bottom turned into a thong……

  3. GlamGooner says:

    Lol! My thoughts exactly…

  4. Leya_S says:

    How come theres no love for black girls amongst ballers? Not saying that Theo should or shouldn't, simply wondering aloud…..
    Btw, Melanie's ass is pretty much amazing.

    • xoWinnie says:

      oooh gurl, you opened a huge can of worms with that one!
      that is one debate that could go on for a HOURS!

    • ochocincosays says:

      Im going to be completely honest here. I am a black girl, who LOVES SOCCER. When it comes to labeling myself i do not want to associate with african-americans, even though i was born in america. INSTEAD i give the whole laundry list of my ancestors which includes an african with a bit of belgian mother and caribbean father with south american and english roots. Many black girls (that I know) have the whole "ghetto fabulous" thing going for them, NOBODY WANTS TO DATE THAT. except for ghetto fabulous males. White boys dont know what to do about me, so i mostly date spanish guys with the occasional nice black guy here and there =(. I told my mom that im moving to brazil and living with my stepsister until conditions improve as soon as i finish university. Wish me luck =P

  5. xoWinnie says:

    i don't really like Melanie, she seems very conceited in a way.
    like you know when someone is perfectly nice,
    but you can still kind of tell they probably think their sh*t don't stink?
    i dunno i'm kind of rambling here lol…anyways, i respect the fact that
    these two have been together for so long
    but i wouldn't be surprised if they went their when they get older
    like Carla and Cesc.

    • She kind of has that "cat that caught the canary" look sometimes. I havn't heard much about her. I just hope that some of these young girls try to do something to benefit themselves if it doesn't work out. I do give her a little credit for not having kids with him so far.

  6. YoungChelsea says:

    The wedgie is so disturbing.

  7. Gunnergirl1 says:

    Her bum is incredible

  8. Cay says:

    I don't really like her very much (if you're going to insist on the "I'm just a normal girl!" image, posing for lad's mags isn't really the way to go about doing it), but man, her body is bangin'. She's not scary-thin, just healthy and fit.

  9. FootyCookie says:

    maybe if we could see Theo’s face i wouldn’t be so distracted by his girl’s amazing ass.

  10. Americus Killaponius says:

    OT, but do people have something against pulling their wedgies? That chick cesc was with had the same issue. I personally find it uncomfortable to have fabric in my butt and I'd be afraid of other people seeing it, let alone cameras. Just saying….

  11. Sophie says:

    Theo's hat. HIS HAT.

  12. Get in my Son says:

    gwannnnn theo badman brap brap brap

  13. Amandinha says:

    i don't know who that woman is… but I seriously envy her ass.