April 14th, 2011
Thursday Thigh-Off: Don’t Call It A Comeback
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Phone your bosses from your lunch breaks, Kickettes, and feed them a convincing “I’m siiiiiiiick” excuse because this afternoon is finally the time for you to audit some tantalising thighs in the privacy of your own homes.
You read right: everyone’s beloved Thursday Thigh-Off competition has returned – and with a cool new logo to boot. Yeah, we tend to waste much of our time on minutiae such as this.
We’re aware that our recent production of this semi-regular feature has been intrinsically inadequate, but after coming to our senses and realising that footballers’ thighs are to Kickette what an oxygen tank is to a geriatric patient/Sergio Ramos fan girl, we’re committed to making this mentally-abusive relationship (for our writers, of course) work.
Who will emerge victorious? Who will be adorned with the Quad King moniker? Who will care? All questions will be answered.
While we’ve turned back the hands (thighs) of time once before, we’re switching our spin on muscular strain studying once more. Since we don’t want to be less than scrupulous in our attention to detail here, we ask you pay close attention to how the TTO 2.0 is gonna go down:
1. The theme of this season is “Vintage vs. Virgin”…meaning we plan to pit world-class thigh masters who once thunderously trudged around this competition’s battlefield against uninitiated newcomers and their untainted, plump pins. There’s a host of hot footballin’ thighs that we never took stock of, and we saw this as our best solution to satisfy your thigh-off appetites outside an IV bag of alcohol and firing squad.
2. This competition is exceptionally (and quite splendidly) sexist. We objectify because we can. It’s who we are. Deal with it or don’t let the locker room door hit you on the way out.
3. This is a friendly competition; no cat scratching, name calling or nominating anyone unattractive. Furthermore, your vote *should* be based on the thighs and them alone. We pledge to pick pictures that accentuate the main attraction at all times to ensure everyone is as dedicated to the job as any one of Cristiano Ronaldo’s cheap-looking call girls.
4. You cast your vote via the poll, which will be open for 24 hours (unless we forget to set the self-timer). We still wholeheartedly look forward to reading your musings in our comments section, though, and always welcome your stroking of our egos.
First up: two fine defenders from Italy.
Fabio “No Shrinkage Required” Cannavaro
If you weren’t with us in the Spring of ’09, you were probably too consumed with the belly jewels of the internet trolls to understand how Fabio Cannavaro was our cat’s meow. During that very same season, readers judged one of our most hotly-contested thigh battles, one that saw the Italian stallion’s pins prevail over then-Real Madrid team-mate and cute co-hort, Sergio Ramos, by a hair missed during one of their waxing treatments.
As a quick download, Canna’s thighs are for the girls and guys who consider themselves to be adventurous – i.e. these are the kind of quads that will take you rock climbing on your first date and show you plenty of Guinness action at the indoor arena’s lounge afterwards. For what this man lacks in height, his thighs make up for it in sheer, glistening glistening.
We failed to mention earlier that factoring in actual camera shots and angles in your voting criteria is also okay. If it counts for anything, there is no such thing as a “bad” picture of Fabs or his luscious legs. It’s the World Cup winner’s world, and we’re very lucky to still be living in it.
Heir to Fabio’s D&G bathroom briefs, Dom’s thick, strong, 24-year-old thighs have some tight jeans to fill. He’s also fond of giving us a glimpse of his glutes at a moment’s notice – just like his predecessor. We can already see us forming a fast friendship with TTO 2.0 newbie, Domenico, who seems to be adding the “c” in classy, cut legs these days.
From both horizontal and vertical perspectives, Criscito’s medial compartments are catering to the ‘meat and potatoes’ crowd, and although we almost always give starchy carbs a timeout from our dinner tables, for once we’re crying out loud for someone to pass us the butter.
Just as Fabio’s femurs were sent straight to us from our antiquated attractive archives, it’s pleasing to see how our modern day mancandy is overcompensating for their lack of straight teeth with bulky, boxy bits.
Be still, Kickettes, and know that we are tired. But which thighs have won you over in Week 1 of our newly-apprised TTO 2.0? Remember: you only have 24 hours to cast 1 vote. Make it count and no ballot box stuffing.