February 1st, 2011
Transfer Round-Up: Handbags & High Rollers
Daniel Sturridge, Andy Carroll, Charlie Adam & Fernando Torres. (Getty Images/Daylife)
Like the doors in a high end boutique after a sale, the transfer window has been unceremoniously slammed shut in our faces and we find ourselves panting outside on the pavement, aghast at the money people are prepared to spend in order to acquire the most sought after pieces of ‘baller couture.
It’s beyond even our bank manager baiting recklessness. Seriously.
In light of this, and the fact that everyone and their Uncle Abner has covered the transfer market in tedious depth, we would like to offer our own ‘unique’ perspective on the matter. We are going to illustrate the importance of a select number of transfers by re-imagining them as handbags, and placing them into a relevant category.
This offers the twin benefits of placing the matter into a context that some of you ladies (who have difficulty in grasping the most basic footballing issues) can understand, and we get to compare players to handbags. Win!
FERNANDO TORRES – The ‘She’s Gotta Have It’ Bag AKA Chanel Python Timeless Clutch
This is the one that you’re prepared to ignore increasingly frantic phone calls from your credit card company for. It looks good, it feels smooth and glossy beneath your hungry finger tips and you know you can’t live without it, even if you have to move out of your condo and into a cardboard box.
Yes, despite announcing Chelsea’s losses were in the region of £70 million (almost as much as the combined store card debt owed by the Kickette staff, incidentally), yesterday evening the Blues splashed out a cool £50million on one Fernando Torres, ex-Liverpool legend and the most unpopular person on Merseyside since Wayne Rooney left Everton.
We’re still pretty stunned by this one, we must say. Especially since it’s Chelsea vs. Liverpool on Sunday and it could be his debut. Our ‘Weekend Results’ scribes and comments moderator have already claimed mental health days and gone home.
ANDY CARROLL – The ‘Impulse Buy That Requires Justification’ AKA McQueen Brittania Clutch
When rumours broke yesterday morning that ‘Toon legend in the making’ Andy Carroll was a possible transfer target for Liverpool in light of their sudden gap upfront, it totally seemed like one of those random rumours that always break on Deadline Day. However, we were disproved of this notion by last night when Carroll showed up at Melwood (Liverpool’s Training Ground) for a medical and news broke of his £35million move.
If Andy lives up to expectation on the pitch, the combination of Luis Suarez (who also signed for Liverpool yesterday) could eclipse the departure of Torres. Unfortunately, Andy has already dropped the ball this morning by announcing he ‘didn’t want to leave Newcastle’. Uh oh. (Image via brownsfashion.com)
DANIEL STURRIDGE – The ‘I Don’t Really Want It, But I Ought To Get Something’ AKA Stella McCartney Shaggy Dear Falabella Small Tote
Initially named in a possible swap deal while Chelsea were furiously negotiating with Liverpool over Torres, things went a bit quiet for Daniel Sturridge. Until Bolton Wanderers, whose previous activity in the transfer window comprised the signing of David Wheater from Middlesbrough, came in late for him last night. A loan deal until the end of the season has been agreed, but unfortunately for Sturridge, Bolton don’t appear to be entirely certain who they have signed. Sturridge’s deal was announced on the Bolton website last night, accompanied by a picture of Danny Welbeck.
Hmm. They might want to iron that one out. (Image via saksfifthavenue.com)
CHARLIE ADAM – The One You Look At, Turn Over In Your Sweaty Hands, But Eventually Leave Behind AKA Lanvin ‘Amalia’ tote
You might not have heard of Charlie Adam, but Blackpool’s midfielder was attracting interest from Liverpool, Manchester United and Spurs by the deadline last night. Due to some ‘oversights’ on the part of Blackpool board, the paperwork was not signed prior to the cut off and Adam remains to battle for top flight football at Blackpool.
Well, that’s what the summer sales are for, no? (Image via farfetch.com)
Although we’d be surprised if you had much to say on this subject (ahem), feel free to offer your thoughts here.