July 15th, 2010

Transfer Totty: Newbies On Premesis

Thierry Henry tries on his new uniform. Images: Getty Images via mlssoccer.com, AP Photos via Daylife, Getty Images via Zimbio

‘Ladies, the market is now open for shopping.’

When this kind of announcement is heard in the Kickette office, it’s generally an excuse for a no-holds-barred scramble for the door, a sight which the few who have seen it (and survived) have described as similar in appearance to a lion-meets-bear pit.

In the case of the football transfer window though, we take a rather more cautious view. You see, we worry about our boys. The all-consuming horror of seeing them uprooted from their safe, warm, friendly clubs and hurled into a frightening new arena where they don’t know anyone and their lunch money is just asking to be stolen is distressing.

We’ve taken a moment to examine a few of the confirmed movers and shakers in the transfer market in order to identify their capacity for survival in their new playgrounds. Anyone up for a game of kiss chase?

David Silva aka The Clever Kid With The Expensive Kicks who sits at the front and gets stuff thrown at him.
From Valencia to Manchester City

Cute as a button and with a price tag of £24million, we feel young David is going to have a bit to prove at Manchester City. Having just missed out on the all important fourth spot in the EPL last season, the pressure will be on the team to perform. As they are rumoured to be in the market for practically every player in the world, competition for places will be tough.

There’s also the small matter of Silva having been part of a victorious Spanish World Cup squad.

This, we feel, is the football equivalent of arriving on your first day at school carrying your books in a briefcase. You’re asking to be kicked.

Thierry Henry aka The Cool Kid who all the guys want to be and all the girls want to be with.
From Barcelona to New York Red Bulls

Oh Titi. What can we say? Your temperate balance of hawt and cool has had us entranced us from the moment we glimpsed your va va voom. Some of our happiest moments have been spent admiring your er… gait as you loped, gazelle like down the Highbury byline with the ball at your feet. Even the fact that you were too cool to celebrate didn’t annoy us totally. A bit, but not totally.

We feel that you will fit in well in New York. The standard of football may be lower in the MLS than in La Liga, but a player like you should be playing week in, week out. The tightness of the shirt won’t hurt, either. Just keep those hands to yourself in the playground.

Artur Boruc aka The Punchy Kid who breaks all the rules
From Celtic to Fiorentina

We’ve little fear for Artur on his first day at Fiorentina. He is more than capable of holding his own in any situation, noted as he is for provoking crowds of several thousand people single-handedly.
It’s not as though this kind of thing has been an issue in Italy. Ahem.

Michael Ballack aka The Been There, Done That Kid who’s seen it all before
From Chelsea to Bayer Leverkusen

Having missed out on a stupendous German World Cup campaign due to a heartbreaking injury (and temporarily losing the captaincy as a result), we can see why Ballack felt the need to return to comfort territory. A fans’ favourite during his previous tenure at Leverkusen. MB has stated that their support was key in his decision to return and that now the ‘circle is complete’. Aww, bless!

Let’s hope Micky B recaptures his mojo super quick. This world is a better place when this baby is bangin ‘em in.

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25 Responses to “Transfer Totty: Newbies On Premesis”

  1. Ximena says:

    I'll have to go back to NY soon!!! <3 TITI.

    Silva; good luck….!!!

  2. Fallon says:

    I’ll finally be close to my beloved TiTi. I’m in New York and I will travel to New Jersey (where his team plays) and find him and make him mine. Sorry Kickette. But he’s MINEEE! MUAHAAAAAAAAHAAAAAA!

  3. Inés says:

    transfers are getting strange…

  4. Jasmine says:

    OMG I cant believe David Silva moved to man city I think he should have stayed in the La Liga. Oh Henry I am gonna miss him a lot but think he’ll do well in MLS 

  5. Samsun says:

    So….that picture of Michael Ballack sent me to heaven for a good 5 minutes. All I am left to wonder is why oh why! is Ballack not on the finest five list!!!

  6. sarrible says:

    Mmm, Titi, yes, welcome to New York! I know where you can get a good baguette…any idea where I can get one?

    And hot damn, but that Michael Ballack is a powerful-looking young man. Heavens. I believe I have the vapors.

  7. Lu says:

    I hope Henry's signing to the NY Redbulls isnt like the disaster that Beckham's signing was to my lovely Galaxy. I cant wait to see NY Redbulls play Galaxy in September.

    • caitanya says:

      I am wondering why Henry is moving to NY–aside from the obvious (more money). He’s getting old, maybe, and thinks this move is more his speed.

      I agree with you, Lu–I hope this isn’t another tragic Beckham-type move …

  8. Cindy says:

    we gladly welcome you to New York Henry!!! as opposed to Beckham, Titi sounds serious about playing and winning the game in NY/NJ. i feel you brother and here’s to winning in NY!!!

  9. Eebza says:

    nice to see the hotness that is ballack! it’s been a while!

  10. Tash says:

    Man, that pic of Ballack…I'm having trouble breathing!!

    • Dee says:

      Yes, those eyes. Wow.

    • SlinkyMalinki says:

      Oh My Goodness!!!Michael Ballack is damn damn damn hot!!!Those eyes have the power to hypnotize me!!!!!I can’t stop watching him!!!! :-)

  11. smurfette says:

    finally, I thought you from kickette wouldn’t comment on his move at all :-)

    All the best for the best forward ever, lots of titles, and positive excitement and fun at the game.

    Would have loved him to stay in Europe though, travelling to New York isn’t as easy as travelling to Barca. I guess it is time for me to refresh old friendships in the Big Apple.

  12. Sahar says:

    I love Henry that is why I am so sad he came to mls. Pretty soon we are going to be seeing henry at more knicks games than redbulls games a la David beckham. Henry I wish you would go back to arsenal. You’re a legend there.

  13. tammyv says:

    He is to make his Red Bulls debut against Tottenham on July 22. Having scored a club-record 226 goals for Arsenal from 1999-07, it’s more than an exhibition game.

    “I won’t even mention the name of the team that we are going to play on the 22nd,” he said. “That’s how big a rivalry is it for me.”

    I will give him credit for longterm loyalty

    • burnedpaper says:

      I hope he does play against spurs and scores a hat trick and wares a under shirt professing his love for Arsenal

  14. tammyv says:

    Welcome to the MLS Handball..may your time at the Redbulls be as dramatic and as sucessful as Beckham’s at the Galaxy.

  15. laland says:

    does anyone know what team is Cesc Fabregas going to?

  16. BALLACK! DEAR GOODNESS, is he even human?

  17. Marianna says:

    Oh I want to sing Empire State of Mind to Henry hehehe, I hope they all have good seasons at their new clubs specially my beloved Michael :D

  18. Barcelista says:

    Bye bye Titi.. Hope you'll have a wonderful time in the states :) Now when that's said:

    Shopping you say.. Well can I buy (a naked) one too? Promise to stay away from my Barca boys cos we need them to play (and Pique + New-Barca-Boy-Sex.. erh Cesc.. is so obvious!) so perhaps Lovely Lashes then.. please?? Pretty pleeeeeaaaase???!!

  19. Thea says:

    Actually this last year I think he's lost a lot of respect and class by some of the unsavoury things he's got himself into such as handball, and the le French world cup disaster. that said I wish him good luck in the US and I hope it gives him the opportunity to get back some of his Va Va Voom.

  20. Goosie says:

    As much as I love Xabi (which is a lot), Michael Ballack is probably my one true footy love.