April 28th, 2011
Thursday Thigh-Off 2.0: Mario Gomez v. Maynor Figueroa
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Don’t let the happily-go-lucky lead pic mislead you: this contest is not made for the meek. In our third week of commitment to the carved legs, we aim to empower you with a wide-open, no holds barred look at the Herculean hammies of Mario Gomez (Vintage) and Maynor Figueroa (Virgin, obvs).
Ready…set…flex ‘em fellas!
Image Credit: REUTERS/Kai Pfaffenbach; Valerio Pennicino/Getty Images; REUTERS/Christian Charisius; REUTERS/Michaela Rehle; REUTERS/Max Rossi.
There’s no ifs, ands or butts about ‘em: Mario Gomez has some serious sinews. Frankly, we’re not capable (read: sober enough) of counting the collateral damage his masssive trunks have caused throughout several TTO ties. Although his win/loss columns are dodgy according to our lackluster memories’ standards, Mario’s artillery should come with a warning: lethal to your lungs while in plain view. Stand back, Kickettes, we don’t want anyone getting hurt.
When we draw upon all the monumental thigh moments throughout footy history that forever changed how we viewed the beautiful game, Mmm Mario stands front, centre and often shirtless. Talented, naked and with shredded strains. Just how we love ‘em.
Seriously, need we show you any more?
Images: The Guardian; AP Photos.
And now it’s time for the fresh, modern meat. Pretty much everything any Kickette needs to know about 2011 footballer’s thighs are accounted for in our mischievously-chosen lead picture. For all intensive purposes, every man in the human race should use this man’s leg mounds as “thigh-spiration”. Ya know, to be randomly strewn on your fridge, gym locker and padded officule walls for when homemade muffin-temptations kick in.
We know, this virtually-unknown (in and around our HQ, that is) Wigan Athletic warrior is a rando, but who are we to bypass a man who always keep his glutes agape? And just when we thought Mario Gomez was the end all, be all of Kevlar thighs!
What we’re really digging about Figueroa, though, (other than purposely mispronouncing his name just to sneak a quick Figaro! Figaro! Figaro! rendition) is that he wears his shorts like hot pants never went out of style in the 70s/80s. To us, this was foo tball’s Golden Age – when men fearlessly fought for three points without seeing the need or point of warmth/organ compression/whatever the hell it is base layers are supposed to be doing.
Congratulations to Steven Gerrard, who brought the Vintage pool’s tally to 2-nil with his win over his Virgin TTO competitor, Ryan Babel (by a thickly-coated leg hair margin, actually).