October 1st, 2012

Weekend Results: A Rampant Case Of The Panzerknackers

kickette match recap

Die ‘Panzerknacker’ von Schalke 04“.  Yup. What they said. Image: Dapd via Derwesten.de.

According to our team of linguistics experts (AKA wikipedia), ‘Panzerknacker’ means ‘armour breaker’.

We’ll warn you now, one of our staffers is so in love with that word, she’s going to keep using it as a euphemism until we either fire her, or smother her with samples from the fashion cupboard.

Maybe both.


Ah, the restorative power of the Mario Götze quiff. Image: Bongarts/Getty Images.

We know that certain areas of Mario Götze’s body have special powers, but to-date, no photographic evidence has emerged of people utilising those areas to their advantage. However, we can scientifically prove they should try, because if his springy quiff is capable of spurring Marco Reus to a two goals and an assist performance against former club Borussia Monchengladbach, contact with his personal Panzerknacker could be awe inspiring.

Bear his boner it in mind, boys.

Despite their return to form, Dortmund still trail Bayern Munich by seven points after the latter picked up three points vs. Werder Bremen. Surprise package Eintract Frankfurt are also still unbeaten after a 2-1 win at home to Freiburg, and remain second, while Schalke trail Dortmund in fourth after a 2-2 draw with Fortuna Dusseldorf on Friday night.


Image: Richard Heathcote/Getty Images Europe.

The new gingham home kit wasn’t the only terrifying red thing stalking the corridors of Old Trafford on Saturday evening. Sir Alex Ferguson must have been quite a sight as he made his way to the dressing room after his side were beaten 3-2 at home by Spurs for the first time in 8 million or so years – his post match comments ringing in his wake.

For their part, Spurs are now up to fifth, while United remain in third behind Chelsea and Everton. Goals from Juan Mata and Fernando Torres were sufficient for Chelsea to take points off Arsenal at home, while Everton’s amazeballs start continued with a 3-1 victory over a briefly resurgent Southampton. Across the park, Liverpool finally woke from their off season slumber to batter Norwich 5-2, while Darren Bent came off the bench to secure a point for Aston Villa vs. West Brom.

If West Ham beat QPR this evening, they will be challenging for a top five spot. If QPR beat West Ham this evening… buy yourself a lottery ticket. Anything is possible.

La Liga

la liga second place 2nd

Not the face! Image: Getty Images.

Barcelona clawed three points from a game they seemed destined to lose on Saturday, but not without controversy. Just weeks after echoing Cristiano Ronaldo’s sentiment of vague dissatisfaction with his La Liga career, Cesc Fabregas was instrumental in Barcelona’s turnaround: he scored two of the goals in the 3-2 victory and was involved in the ‘incident’ that saw Sevilla’s Gary Medel sent off.

Speaking of hair gel, C-Ron scored a hat trick in Real Madrid’s 5-1 rout of Deportivo, allowing RM to spring up to sixth spot. Even at this stage of the season, an eight point deficit seems ominous, but as we know, anything is possible with Mad Mou at the helm.

Honourable mentions are in order for Valladolid and Malaga, who hammered Vallecano 6-1 and Real Betis 4-0 respectively. Osasuna also scored four and almost clawed their way from the relegation places. Almost.

Ligue 1

Best keep out the big man’s way for the next couple of days anyway, eh? Image: KENZO TRIBOUILLARD/AFP/GettyImages.

We were under the impression that Paris St Germain had had to promise Zlatan first refusal on the goal scoring opportunities in order to get his signature, but two from Kevin Gameiro vs. Sochaux proved us wrong. And since unbeaten Marseille had their backsides handed to them on a plate by Valenciennes, their position at the top of the table looks vulnerable with PSG just three points behind.

Lyon also broke an unbeaten run at the weekend with defeat to Bordeaux, while Evian were the only side from the bottom three to collect anything worth having: one point after a 1-1 draw with Lorient.

Better than a kick in the Panzerknackers, no?

Serie A

At one point during the weekend, we thought this was as close to nude as our photo agencies were prepared to let us get. Image: Paolo Bruno/Getty Images Europe.

Juventus and Napoli are jostling for position at the top of Serie A this morning after wins over Roma and Sampdoria. Like Inter, they’re making hay while AC Milan’s sun shines away in Ligue 1. The Rossoneri are having an utter mare of a time since offloading the likes of Zlatan and Thiago Silva to PSG in the summer, so heaven knows where they’d be without the perky haired pretty that is Stephan El Shaarawy.

Bologna gave themselves a big ole boost up the table by slapping the living daylights out of Catania, while we can only imagine what Atalanta have done to Torino to justify the 5-1 whomping they were handed at home. They’re hovering just above the bottom three, and will continue to do so quite comfortably while Cagliari and Siena remain in their current, desperate form.

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40 Responses to “Weekend Results: A Rampant Case Of The Panzerknackers”

  1. Not to hijack this thread, but I’m interested in seeing if I can have a short sale and I can’t figure out how to find a professional listing realtor… do you know anything about this realtor? They’re based out of sacramento, not too far from my office and I can’t find reviews on them – Becky Lund & Associates – Sacramento Realtors, 8814 Madison Avenue #2 Fair Oaks, CA 95628 (916) 531-7124

  2. RealFan7 says:

    Am I the only one who is tired of all the CR7 hair gel jokes? Most footballers today are all about the hair. It's easier to count the ones who don't gel. It's getting old.

  3. RamseyPublicist says:

    (From the former FabregasPublicist)

    I've always been a fan of Cesc and seeing him getting back in his old form and scoring two goals was just fantastic. Though that playacting was kinda annoying, I have to say he learned quite well from me! Hahaha!

    On the other hand, Aaron was awful against Chelsea. He was like a boy playing in a man's game. He was just…looking pretty in the pitch which is where he is so good at. :)

  4. Rue says:

    per Csec: MWAHAHAHAHA!!! you asked for it brother. now live with it. :)

  5. Anna says:

    Yay Chelsea! Happy for Nando. :)

  6. IrishBlue says:

    Love my Spanish boys! We deserved the win, though Arsenal had me worried for a bit during the second half. And Giroud? How many chances is that poor baby gonna miss? The result in Old Trafford really got me though, as did Sir Alex's comments re the added time hehe.

    I <3 Mario Gotze's springy quiff.

    • April says:

      The results for Chelsea and ManU this weekend makes me all the more excited to go to that match. Maybe Chelsea can carve out a win while I am in town! Were you still looking at tickets for that one or any other matches?

      • IrishBlue says:

        No, unfortunately I seem to working a lot of weekends which doesn't do much for my football love….maybe after Christmas. I'm outrageously jealous of you!

  7. Jayy says:

    Oh Nuri, you continue to take my breath away! He looks good in a LFC kit :D

  8. LuvinBale says:

    Love Dempsey!
    Love Bale!
    Love Vertonghen!
    Love how they all got a goal in!!!

    That’s my boys!! This is why I love this game – you never know what’s going to happen.

  9. Agnes Wonka says:

    I still can't believe that Man.Utd lost against Spurs!

  10. Coucouh says:

    Please forgive me for being the wise-ass I am, but just in case you might care to know – Panzerknacker is, beside its literal meaning, also the German name for the Beagle Boys from Donald Duck. :) That probably makes the comparison sound a little less weird.

  11. [...] here:  Weekend Results: A Rampant Case Of The Panzerknackers … « Soccer By Ives: European Weekend Rewind: Chelsea tops Arsenal … You can leave a [...]

  12. tammyv says:

    DEUCE… DEUCE… DEUCE…. and Brad cleaning up his defense's continual second half messes like a 25-year-old rock star. I have NEVER been as happy about a league match than I was about this one. My American boys got it done at OT. USA! USA! USA! The only thing missing were the cutaways to Llores looking all bitchy after every Brad save. I needed at least one. Congrats AVB! Congrats Spurs fans!

    Demba Ba with a goal of the season contender to get my NUFC boys to a draw at Reading with no (major) injuries.

  13. Kristina says:

    Entertaining game, and a fantastic comeback for Barca! Though I think the appropriate result should have been a tie because of the quite distasteful playacting by Cesc. That referee was not good. He missed three obvious freekicks for Messi (elbow to his back, and twice pulling of his arm) plus, of course, the Cesc situation.

    • German_Girl says:

      Why are you getting thumbed down for your comment? It's not often that someone openly admits that one of their club's players was diving/play-acting. Kudos to you.

      • Kristina says:

        I get thumbed down every time I write here, Girl. Because people here are mostly Madridistas and some people must make everything into a Barca vs RM thing. But I'm gonna persist :) . I'm having fun in here, and I'm gonna keep having that.

        • Sarah, Madrid says:

          Why assumption that it is madridistas? Maybe people dont like what you say Kristina! There is other fans who don't like barcelona too

          • Lola says:

            You have to admit that most of the people who post here do prefer Real over Barca. Nothing wrong with that of course, but it's sort of a fact.

            • Sarah, Madrid says:

              Ok fine, good madridistas all over I like it, although I do see chelsea and arsenal in general EPl fans are here more! I don't know how it is a fact, maybe kickette should do A survey , no?
              That's doesn't mean that every time there is negativity in this place or thumbs down go around blaming madridistas!
              That I get thumbs down I assume it is a cule who did it?

          • Kristina says:

            I'm assuming, of course. Because mostly when I've had an argument in here it has been with supporters of RM. And most people in here ARE supporters of RM. I try to be as respectful in my comments as I can. Except when it's about Mou or Pepe. And that I will gladly admit.

            • Sarah, Madrid says:

              A topic regarding Mourinho or cristano that relate to RM or when it is about RM player ofc you will see madridistas, you comment there they reply to your comment and assume all the site is madridistas.

              Topic that has most comments here overall comes from Torres, assume only Torres fans visit this site and goes around thumbing down Liverpool fans comment, now? Perhaps madridistas did thumb up you down true, but the way you say it like madridistas go around this blog find topics that you mention barca thumbing you down, really now?

              • Kristina says:

                Alright, alright fine! Jeez. But I'm gonna stick to my assumption if you don't mind. I don't care all that much about thumbs down or up, though. It's a cool thing that people read and react to what I'm saying.

      • Kristina says:

        And thank you for that comment! I try not to be blind. There are divers everywhere, in my team as well :) .

    • sally says:

      you know there is time..when Messi is touched..and It's not a freekick.

      • Kristina says:

        Yea… like most times. It's incredible how strong that guy is. He's so small and still stays on his feet when they grab, pull and kick.

        • German_Girl says:

          I swear I was just saying that to somebody the other day! With all the diving that goes on these days it's amazing how little Messi just seems to stay on his feet all the time. I guess he just prefers to score goals that don't come from penalties / free kicks.

          Now I'll probably get thumbed down as well, lol.

          • Kristina says:

            I've seen Messi fall too easily as well, but it's very seldom. I think you are very right :) .

      • Gladys says:

        I think if you watch closely you'll see that the top scorers (Messi, Cristiano, etc.) get fouled a lot more than they get freekicks or penalties for.

  14. Sarah, Madrid says:

    Speaking of hair gel, Jajaja well FINALLY. Back to back win first Cristano hat trick and his dedication to the young soul DEP who died in car accident our little angel!
    It was a good game, good showing before the " c-word"

    Oh where is piqué tweet of (…) on Saturday night? Where was it Piqué!? Just to show how things come to bite you in the ass sometimes, how everyone thought RM won last season liga help of referees although referees in Liga sucks!

  15. gin_in_teacups says:

    Liverpool finally! And what a way to do it with goals from Nuri and Stevie. And Spurs winning at Old Trafford – glorious. If QPR win today I won't know what to do with myself. I also enjoyed the Arsenal – Chelsea match. Neutral on that fixture, so it was just nice to watch. Gervinho's goal was such a good one, and of course I love my Spanish players. I greatly appreciate that in the one Chelsea match I've watched this season, Nando and Juanin both scored.

    And the Madrid game. That felt amazing. Looks like we're well back on track, and just in time for el clasico. Plus Kaká played and his bromance with Cris is clearly still going hot and heavy. All is right in the world again.

  16. rubii says:

    Cesc is good at learning!learning from Busquest is what I mean ;)
    Good week of football though.Daveed Villa should play more often!He's a genius.

    RMD were great! Di Maria,Ronaldo,Ramos,Marcelo…Just EVERYONE(I know we're still 6th!but whatever HALA MADRID)
    Chelsea taking those points from Arsenal and United losing!crazy football in EPL!

    • German_Girl says:

      'Chelsea taking those points from Arsenal and United losing!crazy football in EPL!'

      I know, right?? It's kind of an unwritten law that United don't lose at home, isn't it? ;)

  17. German_Girl says:

    Apparently Mario Gomez has been for a 'run on the field' for the first time since his operation and said he was 'happy to smell grass again'. They reckon he won't be fully fit before November though. Poor baby.

    Chelsea may well win the league this season. They seem unbeatable at the minute. David Luiz got a yellow card for diving though? Come on David, sort it out! I like you. :)