October 1st, 2012
Weekend Results: A Rampant Case Of The Panzerknackers
“Die ‘Panzerknacker’ von Schalke 04“. Yup. What they said. Image: Dapd via Derwesten.de.
According to our team of linguistics experts (AKA wikipedia), ‘Panzerknacker’ means ‘armour breaker’.
We’ll warn you now, one of our staffers is so in love with that word, she’s going to keep using it as a euphemism until we either fire her, or smother her with samples from the fashion cupboard.
Ah, the restorative power of the Mario Götze quiff. Image: Bongarts/Getty Images.
We know that certain areas of Mario Götze’s body have special powers, but to-date, no photographic evidence has emerged of people utilising those areas to their advantage. However, we can scientifically prove they should try, because if his springy quiff is capable of spurring Marco Reus to a two goals and an assist performance against former club Borussia Monchengladbach, contact with his personal Panzerknacker could be awe inspiring.
his boner it in mind, boys.
Despite their return to form, Dortmund still trail Bayern Munich by seven points after the latter picked up three points vs. Werder Bremen. Surprise package Eintract Frankfurt are also still unbeaten after a 2-1 win at home to Freiburg, and remain second, while Schalke trail Dortmund in fourth after a 2-2 draw with Fortuna Dusseldorf on Friday night.
Image: Richard Heathcote/Getty Images Europe.
The new gingham home kit wasn’t the only terrifying red thing stalking the corridors of Old Trafford on Saturday evening. Sir Alex Ferguson must have been quite a sight as he made his way to the dressing room after his side were beaten 3-2 at home by Spurs for the first time in 8 million or so years – his post match comments ringing in his wake.
For their part, Spurs are now up to fifth, while United remain in third behind Chelsea and Everton. Goals from Juan Mata and Fernando Torres were sufficient for Chelsea to take points off Arsenal at home, while Everton’s amazeballs start continued with a 3-1 victory over a briefly resurgent Southampton. Across the park, Liverpool finally woke from their off season slumber to batter Norwich 5-2, while Darren Bent came off the bench to secure a point for Aston Villa vs. West Brom.
If West Ham beat QPR this evening, they will be challenging for a top five spot. If QPR beat West Ham this evening… buy yourself a lottery ticket. Anything is possible.
Not the face! Image: Getty Images.
Barcelona clawed three points from a game they seemed destined to lose on Saturday, but not without controversy. Just weeks after echoing Cristiano Ronaldo’s sentiment of vague dissatisfaction with his La Liga career, Cesc Fabregas was instrumental in Barcelona’s turnaround: he scored two of the goals in the 3-2 victory and was involved in the ‘incident’ that saw Sevilla’s Gary Medel sent off.
Speaking of hair gel, C-Ron scored a hat trick in Real Madrid’s 5-1 rout of Deportivo, allowing RM to spring up to sixth spot. Even at this stage of the season, an eight point deficit seems ominous, but as we know, anything is possible with Mad Mou at the helm.
Honourable mentions are in order for Valladolid and Malaga, who hammered Vallecano 6-1 and Real Betis 4-0 respectively. Osasuna also scored four and almost clawed their way from the relegation places. Almost.
Best keep out the big man’s way for the next couple of days anyway, eh? Image: KENZO TRIBOUILLARD/AFP/GettyImages.
We were under the impression that Paris St Germain had had to promise Zlatan first refusal on the goal scoring opportunities in order to get his signature, but two from Kevin Gameiro vs. Sochaux proved us wrong. And since unbeaten Marseille had their backsides handed to them on a plate by Valenciennes, their position at the top of the table looks vulnerable with PSG just three points behind.
Better than a kick in the Panzerknackers, no?
At one point during the weekend, we thought this was as close to nude as our photo agencies were prepared to let us get. Image: Paolo Bruno/Getty Images Europe.
Juventus and Napoli are jostling for position at the top of Serie A this morning after wins over Roma and Sampdoria. Like Inter, they’re making hay while AC Milan’s sun shines away in Ligue 1. The Rossoneri are having an utter mare of a time since offloading the likes of Zlatan and Thiago Silva to PSG in the summer, so heaven knows where they’d be without the perky haired pretty that is Stephan El Shaarawy.
Bologna gave themselves a big ole boost up the table by slapping the living daylights out of Catania, while we can only imagine what Atalanta have done to Torino to justify the 5-1 whomping they were handed at home. They’re hovering just above the bottom three, and will continue to do so quite comfortably while Cagliari and Siena remain in their current, desperate form.