September 19th, 2011
Weekend Results: Bringing Sexy Back
Nothing like a nice strong, muscular back to focus the mind on a Monday morning, is there, Kickettes? Image: Getty Images/Daylife.
Stunning strikes, howling misses, gargantuan victories and inexplicable defeats litter the results this week. But you don’t care about that. You care about the nekkid and the short-tents.
We have those too.
One of these men redeemed himself by scoring, then missed an open goal. The other has a remarkable protruberance in his shorts. Image: AP Photo/Daylife.
Arsenal’s season drifted from awful to absolutely hideous this weekend, with a 4-3 defeat at Blackburn Rovers featuring two Gunners’ own goals and a howling miss from Per Mertesacker – one of the few players Arsene Wenger did purchase in the transfer window. But at least he managed to stay on the pitch. Liverpool newbie Charlie Adam was one of two Reds players sent off in the club’s 4-0 defeat away at Spurs, Martin Skrtl being the other.
Manchester City’s perfect record was snapped in two by a hearty Fulham side who came from 2-0 down to snatch a draw – two Sergio Aguero goals cancelled out by one each from Bobby Zamora and Danny Murphy. They’re now in second behind Manchester United, who beat Chelsea 3-1 in a barnstorming game that saw Fernando Torres score a great goal and miss an open one, Wayne Rooney pulling a ‘John Terry’ in the penalty area and Javier Hernandez just about surviving a potential leg breaking tackle by Ashley Cole.
We’re sure he didn’t mean it, though.
Ooh. Biblical. Image: David Ramos/Getty Images/Daylife.
Barcelona hit eight past a helpless Osasuna side - simultaneously reasserting their dominance in global football and scaring the crap out of all the teams who have to face them in the next few weeks. Interestingly, their next game is against Valencia, who occupy Barca’s usual position at the top of the league after their 1-0 win over Sporting Gijon and extending their perfect record. Real Betis are right behind them after beating Athletic Bilbao in a 3-2 thriller that saw both teams finish with ten men. Pretty impressive from a promoted side, no?
Less impressive was Real Madrid’s 1-0 defeat to Levante, which saw Cristiano Ronaldo starting on the bench and Sami Khedira sent off, much to Mou’s chagrin. Madrid are sixth – one point behind Barcelona and Sevilla, who beat Real Sociedad 1-0.
Someone’s been eating their Weetabix, no? Image: Getty Images/Zimbio.
Edinson Cavani scored a hat-trick in Napoli’s shock 3-1 victory over AC Milan that took his team to the top of the Serie A table. Alberto Aquliani scored early for the Rossoneri, but Cavani equalised moments later and then popped two more in for good measure, leaving Milan winless this season and in seventeenth position. Oof.
Fortunately for them, neighbours Inter failed to beat Roma and get their first win. The 0-0 draw did no-one any favours, with Roma in fifteenth and Inter in twelfth. Taking advantage of this shocking state of affairs are Juventus, who beat Siena 1-0, Udinese who beat Fiorentina 2-0 and Cagliari who beat new boys Novara by the same margin. They are second, third and fourth respectively.
While we appreciate your gesture, Anatoliy Tymoshchuk, we think your technique needs a little work. Image: PATRIK STOLLARZ/AFP/Getty Images/Daylife.
Bayern Munich are sitting pretty at the top of the Bundesliga table after a comfortable 2-0 win over Schalke yesterday, while last year’s champions Borussia Dortmund languish in eleventh after capitulating 2-1 to Hannover. Lukas Poldolski (today’s lead and our favourite naked back of the day so far) scored two in Cologne’s 4-1 battering of Bayer Leverkusen who finished the game with ten men.
Last season’s hanger’s-on Borussia Monchengladbach are flying high in third, having beaten hapless Hamburg 1-0. For their sins (namely losing five out of a possible six games), they are bottom with one point and if they’re not careful, will end up being a Kickette ‘favourite fail’ team, like Arles-Avignon last season.
They got relegated, y’know.
Eden Hazard’s foolproof method for stopping Joe Cole is exceuted moments too late for it to be effective against the nippy winger. Image: AP Photo/Michel Spingler/Daylife.
Last year’s runners’ up Marseille are today bottom of the Ligue 1 table after losing 2-0 to Lyon and failing to win any of their other games so far this season. Irritatingly, the three points that they handed their opponents put them in pole, with Montpellier breathing down their necks in second after a 2-2 stumble at Brest. Toulouse are third after a stunning comeback against Bordeaux, who were home and hosed at half time with a comfortable 2-0 lead.
However, three second half goals and a red card for Girondin’s keeper Cédric Carrasso gave Toulouse the win and third place. Bordeaux are now thirteenth.
Cross about the Cheech and Cole collision? Incensed over Arsenal’s defeat? Or still so mesmerised by the contents of Ramires’ shorts that your scroll button has seemingly ‘malfunctioned’?
You can tell us.