We're still too emo to LOL but... this sure came close to breaking the Beckspression we're under. 
There were some pretty intense matches this weekend – none of which we watched. (Don’t ask.) But instead of being Negative Nellies about the whole thing, we’re going to focus on ‘ballers in their birthday suits. It’s our go-to happy place.
Also handy for cheering us up: judging those that are naked. Our score card (including Mr. De Rossi) is below. Hope the weekend results were as good for you as they were for Ab-Rollers and white cotton.
Daniele De Rossi
We’re glad that DDR follows his mother’s advice to always wear clean underwear because one always knows he’s going to strip down to them. Those in Serie A have been spoiled for quite some time, but DDR’s consistent nekkidness ensures his skivvies make their way all the way to everyone’s internal hard drives. Video, you ask? Certainly.
Grade: B – …post game, he lost pants, shoes and an eye-mask which all rate high in our books. However, he was docked for lack of backside pics and proportionate views (ahem) .
–
Cristiano Ronaldo
This man’s midsection is like hosting a cocktail party with 9 of your closest BFFs:
You all sashay into the bar/restaurant’s center booth (which only holds six but reassure the hostess that ”you’ll squeeze”.) Fast forward to getting sloshed on top-shelf dirty martinis and dishing on post-university whereabouts of former frenemies. Then, without warning, in walks Ch’acne. Eyes roll as memories of the sloppy sorority gal who stole all of your ex-boyfriends flash in front of you. Buzzkill. Who invited her anyway?
Grade: B+ …It’s December and C-Ron’s only stripped twice. Also, he may have more abs than we have fingers, but chest acne is for frat-boys; thumbs up (or sideways – hee) for the short-tent poppin’.
Yoann Gourcuff
Normally, Yoann knows what we need and he gives it.
Generously.
Without wanting or expectation of anything in return. Such graciousness is truly unparalelled in the game of modern football. A knighthood? An honorary PhD? Head of Harrods? Let’s give all truly important titles to this man.
This weekend he took the time to de-robe without haste. Hear, hear.
Grade: C … However. The tying of the jersey over the shoulders like some sort of commission-hungry retail salesperson at Ralph Lauren does Mr. Gourcuff no favours.
In fact, teasing like this only serves to frustrate and is not in the good spirit of the season nor the game. Points docked.
Sergio Ramos
So he’ll do flips and get wild during goal celebrations but our resident Spanish bad-boy merely teased us with his shoddy shirt lift-up.
We know and enjoy his obliques of steel, so why not just give them some air once every 10 minutes?
Grade: D … we are scoring the ability to REMOVE undergarments, not wave them around in the wind; the view from underneath saves him from absolute F(ail)
We’re short on Premier League skin exposure – if you have witnessed, please let us know asap so we can include!
<3 <3 <3 Gourcuff!!!!! <3 <3 <3
But stupid cameras never film those moments for a long time, which always makes me angry!