May 23rd, 2011

Weekend Results: Over & (Nearly) Out

If you’re going to take off your boots and shirt, it’s hardly a stretch to whip off your shorts, is it? Images: Getty Images/Zimbio.

If we appear a little shaky this morning, please forgive. The end of the season for most means no more results, no more debating crap rules about shirt removal and hardly any on pitch idiocy to laugh at. It’s tough, but not terminal.

For us? Well, we’re getting the Ouija board out of the broom cupboard to beg the spectre of creativity to join our editorial meetings.  We have to actually use our imaginations to come up with interesting, thought provoking posts to get you through these lean times.

The fear is all pervading.


Rob Green haz the sadz. Image: Getty Images/Daylife.

According to Sky Sports, it was Survival Sunday yesterday. Usually we would take issue with this, since every day of rest is like a battle of Bear Grylls just to get out of bed. For us anyway.

Finally, however, all the build up was justified. It was absolute bedlam at the bottom of the EPL table circa 5.15pm yesterday afternoon, but fortunately the aforementioned TV station kindly provided up to the minute tables to enable even the most inept mathematicians (us) to keep up.

It fell thusly:


La Liga

Could somebody help Bojan? He’s dropped his snuggly. Images: Getty Images/Daylife.

If you don’t find him physically attractive, Cristiano Ronaldo is not an easy man to admire. He has everything a man could want, and he kind of knows it. But even those who fantasise about offering Ronnie a swift punch up the bracket upon first meeting should offer a grudging nod to the man this morning, for he picked up another two goals during Real Madrid’s 8-1 thrashing of Almeira on Saturday, breaking the record for the most goals in a single league campaign.

As we said last week, it was the only honour left to take and he took it. Congrats Cris. Now if you could just pop off on holiday and arrange for a pap session feat. your torso and your toddler, your triumphant season would be complete.

Once again, Barcelona had one eye on next weekend’s Champs League fixture and consequently fielded a side whose combined life span failed to exceed 50 years of age. The Barca bubbas, who’ve firmly installed themselves in our ‘guilty pleasures’ files this season, still had enough about them to beat Malaga 3-1 with goals from Bojan, Afellay and Bartra. We shall watch their journey through puberty with some pride next season.

Slightly less attractive to watch was Deportivo La Coruna’s 2-0 capitulation to Valencia. Thanks to the visitor’s two unanswered goals, Deportivo join Hercules and Almeria on the Segunda division line up for next season, for the first time in twenty years.

For every misery there is a joy though. Real Zaragoza survived the cut after beating Levante 2-1, thanks to midfielder Gabi. Sergio Aguero scored a hat-trick in Atletico Madrid’s 4-3 marathon at Mallorca but their hopes of avoiding the qualifying stages of the Europa League were dashed by Sevilla and Athletic Bilbao’s winning scorelines. Atletico finish in seventh.


Serie A

Think of it as ‘Where’s Wally?’ but with naked torsos. Image: Getty Images/Daylife.

Having already claimed the Scudetto, AC Milan could afford to take it easy this weekend; a fact that Udinese cheerily made the most of. A 0-0 home draw was sufficient for the team to finish fourth and qualify for the final Champions League spot, a fact which some players celebrated appropriately (above). The other spots had already been claimed by Inter Milan, who beat Catania 3-1, and Napoli, who drew 2-2 with Juventus. Juve’s patchy season overall left them in seventh place.

Roma, who have also had their moments this season, scraped into a Europa League spot after a 3-1 victory over relegated Sampdoria. Bari, who were relegated some time ago and have clearly gotten a little demob happy, thrashed Bologna 4-0, while Lecce were lucky to survive after being beaten 4-2 by Lazio.



Borussia Monchengladbach’s Dante has just read our explanation of the Bundesliga play-off system. Whoops. Image: Reuters/Daylife.

Right…so, the Bundesliga sort-of finished last week, apart from a relegation play-off thingy, the rules of which are very confusing. It seems that whoever finishes sixteenth in the Bundesliga plays whoever finished third in the 2nd Bundesliga in a two leg tie. The winner of this two leg tie plays in the Bundesliga next season while….. Zzzzzz.

Anyone still awake? If so, Borussia Monchengladbach take a 1-0 lead into the second leg against Bochum. The goal came via Igor de Camargo in the third minute of stoppage time. If you are a fan of either club, please make yourself known via the comments section. It would make us feel so much better about our travails.


Ligue 1

Suddenly, Sami Nasri’s offences against pants make a little more sense, no? Image: Getty Images/Daylife.

To continue the confusion, Ligue 1 doesn’t actually finish until next week, which leaves next week’s results post looking a little bedraggled. With one eye on this, Lille did us a favour by finally secured the points needed to take the title with a 2-2 draw against Paris St Germain; rivals and former champs Marseille drew by the same scoreline with Valenciennes.

All the action is at the bottom in Ligue 1 though. With bottom side Arles-Avignon taking their first away win of the season against already relegated Lens, the battle to avoid the third drop spot is heating up with seven teams teetering on the brink. In the hot seat at the mo is Monaco, who just about kept the trapdoor open with a 1-0 win over Montpellier, but Nancy, Caen, Valenciennes, Nice, Brest and Auxerre could all potentially find themselves in trouble if next week’s results don’t favour them.

We should probably start working on the post now.


Editor’s Note: raise a glass of Bucks Fizz to our ever-amazeballs staff writer and Weekend Results poster extraordinaire, Kelly T. She takes the mundane stats and other such hooey and makes this ish look good. (God knows the rest of us don’t want to do it.) You rock K2!

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77 Responses to “Weekend Results: Over & (Nearly) Out”

  1. Natalie,London says:

    I'd be very willing to help cheer Robert Green up! The man is gorgeous…

  2. lulu6 says:

    I support Borussia Mochenblahblah because there's a Venezuelan guy playing there! So thanks for your travails :D

  3. ErinRS says:

    Is it just me or is John Terry one seriously sexy man?

  4. Lotte says:

    Yeeesss, and I'm very impressed that he is doing such a fine job. As I said :) . And I have already congratulated him in another post. I think he is a fantastic player. Ok?

  5. xbabyshakesx says:

    Thanks kickette for the results!
    as always much love for Real Madrid and Arsenal – and Kelly T ^^

    • xbabyshakesx says:

      wish Chelsea weren't even more douches by sacking Carlo (saying this even though i hate their team!)

  6. Nando y Geri 4ever says:

    I think this is my favorite picture ever of Bojan :)

  7. JA7 says:

    OH EM GEE, end of the season </3 im soo upset..what the heck am i supposed to do on weekends now? 0_0 it was a crazy survival sunday, and im just glad that arsenal managed to get a draw rather than a was a disappointing season for them..buh i pray that they come back soo much stronger (defence wise) next season.
    ps. im absoultely shocked that carlo ancelotti got sacked yesterday!!! I feel bad for him, cuz he was a really good manager and he does not deserve this! :(

  8. Sarah, Madrid says:

    Even Alonso said it will be said not to visit corunna

  9. Sarah, Madrid says:

    Yes, alonso did, Iker on fb! Granero did and Miguel torres he even apologized for being late on sending his thoughts to Depor since his club Getafe stayed

    • Tania says:

      Thanks for the info! It's so sweet of them to think about us…! Iker and Xabi, I love you even more now. I didn't really pay any attention to Granero or Miguel Torres before, but maybe I should…

  10. Americus Killaponius says:


  11. mochara says:

    Did anyone else notice the bulge in Terry's shorts? And ohh Baby B, I love him

  12. @DebStimson says:

    All I can say is…thank God for friendlies! I'm already mourning the end of the European football season. Although the MLS season is in full swing….

  13. Tania says:

    Bad season and bad, TERRIBLE weekend for my team, Deportivo, who was relegated to Segunda on Saturday after twenty years in Primera Division… I am so, SO proud of these twenty years, Depor, you gave us more than we could have ever dreamed of: one Liga, two Copas del Rey (and what two!!!), three Supercopas, several years of playing European competitions… Oh, these twenty years…!! Thank you for each and everyone of them! Proud to be a deportivista! We'll be back…. Forza Depor!!
    And to all of the Kickettes whose teams have relegated this season… stay strong!!! We'll be back!!

    • Gladys says:

      I'm so sorry about Deportivo! I felt terrible for them. I know that someone had to go in the third most bottom spot but I didn't want it to be them either. 20 years! Hopefully next year they will come back strong.

  14. @DebStimson says:

    I think it probably has more to do with the way Chelsea was playing as of late. Maybe it's the players but I'm guessing Chelsea management places the blame more at the manager for not being able to motivate its players more. Perhaps they feared that it would end up like Liverpool under Roy Hodgson?

    It is hard to believe that 2nd place isn't good enough but apparently with some teams, 2nd is just not acceptable. Maybe some day, I'll understand that. :)

  15. rubyqueen says:

    thank god the season is couldn't of been any worser for my team.!!

  16. FloraJane says:

    I agree with you Doug that Ancelotti will be fine. I think he'll go to Roma, too. Totti and others are already hitting the media with messages saying they hope he'll join them. I wish him the best. And yeah, maybe I'll cheer a bit more for Roma then! lol Still sad to see him go. Wonder who is coming to the Bridge now…. He'll be a brave man, whoever he is. :)

  17. IrishBlue says:

    I'm just on my way home from Barack Obama's speech in Dublin so I am filled with a certain happiness and a fuzzy feeling inside – what a man. But you, Roman Abramovich, you are a FOOL. We all want success of course but there are right and wrong ways to go about getting it. Football needs people who LOVE FOOTBALL, not people who see it only as a business. Oh and I'm sorry to see Blackpool go but a big well done to Wolves!

    • Gladys says:

      Thumbs up for Obama (and for you)….thumbs down for Abramovich!

    • Winnie Mata says:

      OBAMA SPEECH!?! ugh!!! you lucky girl! congrats!

      • IrishBlue says:

        He's Irish don't you know….ok so his great great great great grandfather was Irish but hey that's enough for us to claim him as our own haha. This is totally unrelated to football but my god I'm happy I was there to see it with 60,000 or so others, his speech was totally inspiring and ended with a call of 'Is féidir linn' – yes we can. That man can work a crowd. Love it!

        • Californiagirl says:

          Good lord you all are blind. CLEARLY not from America.

          • IrishBlue says:

            No I'm not from America and I've never been there. I cannot make a judgement on his policies or the way he runs the country as I do not have an insight to that. He can't please everyone but I enjoyed what I experienced yesterday and that's what matters to me :)

          • Winnie Mata says:

            THANKFULLY not.
            and i wouldn't want it any other way, thnx.

  18. Winnie Mata says:

    i'm so proud of Cristiano,
    but i'm sad that it's only things like this which make people take him seriously as a player
    and even then, some people can't help throw in some snide comment or another
    whether you like him as a person or not, he is immensely talented,
    and his talent has transcended three leagues already (he is amazing AND versatile)
    his talent is undeniable, he's done things others haven't,
    and constantly pushes himself to outdo HIMSELF!
    he wants to be the best and is not ashamed to admit it.
    yes he has his faults, but he's now 26 years old and has matured a LOT,
    especially as a player. i really wish people would give him a chance
    and being so damn overcritical.

    • @DebStimson says:

      well said. Too many backhanded compliments here already.

      I'm glad that there are a few people here that recognize that CR7 is harder on himself than anyone else could ever be.

      And can people PLEASE get off the "Ronaldo is selfish" mantra. Watch the games and you will clearly see that he is always trying to get his teammates involved in the play. In fact kudos to him for the assist in helping Joselu score in his debut with the first team on Saturday. Well done Cris & well done Joselu!

    • Sarah, Madrid says:

      First of all let me just say, Ronaldo has matured alot this season, he intergrated better and become a much better team player I am so proud of him, he even controlled his temper and diving.
      True!! I am kind surprised with how fans are approaching Ronaldo record by saying, he doesnt score against big clubs, ( scored vs barc, milan, tottenham), he doesnt assist, he only thinks of himself.
      People are being awfully harsh on Cris, it is very sad and disappionting to see a record-breaker criticized in such, btw yes Joselu assist was just the cherry on top to give a young player this chance is something else.

      • Slave4Mou says:

        I agree. And for anyone who has bad stuff to say about Mou, kindly reflect upon his smile after Joselu's goal. It was genuine delight. I sure hope that Adebayor stays though I know he probably won't. I wonder about Higuian for next season…

        • Sarah, Madrid says:

          exactly! I love his smile there you could imagine what is going in his head: " who is this kid? brilliant". I hope he impressed you enough to promote Mou next season lol. Did you see how he went back waving and patting on his heart to the fans after the game ( fans who stuck around to chant for him) awww!

          • Slave4Mou says:

            He's such a charmer. The point with Joselu is how much Mou loves the game. I think some people forget that.

            • Sarah, Madrid says:

              Agree! he does, if anyone just read Jose interview, he/she would understand how passionate this guy is about this games!

              • Slave4Mou says:

                Valdano is gone! Your thoughts?

                • Sarah, Madrid says:

                  Wow! yes I heard! I never thought this day will come, I love him for debuting Raul + liga, but looking back at his history with us, that's the only good thing I remember him for. It is a good thing, these two clashe and some of the club dirty laundry was out because of that, good bring back Hierro, I hope so, we need his leadership, we miss this guy!

                  • Slave4Mou says:

                    As you can imagine, my concern is only that Mou is kept happy. Enjoy Wembly!

  19. Winnie Mata says:

    ugh i know! i'm kind of sad actually!
    Ancelotti wasn't my fave, but besides some minor revamping
    what this team needs is some stability!

  20. FloraJane says:

    Really disappointed for Blackpool. Every match I saw with them, I enjoyed watching them play. I had hoped they'd pull it off and stay in the PL. Any other season and they might have done it. I feel sorry for Holloway, who worked so hard to keep his team together, and to be the manager he wanted to be. Hope they make it back.

  21. AC_USA says:

    I am dissapointed too! Its not always the coach. It can be the players too! I thinjk that they should have given him one more chance. At least half season! I am ssssooooo HHHaaapppyyyyy for my City boys though! Way to go fellas!! :)

  22. Miss Lampard says:

    Here's JT my only consolation in this unsuccessful and disappointing year for Chelsea!!

    • FloraJane says:

      Yes, beautiful shirtless John Terry does make all kinds of things better. :)

      • blitzenTO says:

        I dislike John Terry intensely. Yet somehow I would still like to cover him in whipped cream and do naughty things to him. I can't explain it.

        Maybe on a slow news day Kickette should start a "I Hate It But I'd Still Hit It" thread. ;)

  23. Leaaa says:

    If I could I would kick Roman's oil-rich bum all the way back to his Mediterranean yacht. Stay out of the decision making room Roman….Chelsea fans don't exactly appreciate wasting money on the likes of Torres and Shevchenko and sacking brilliant managers.

  24. Summer says:

    Roman Abramovich will never change. And I say this as a Chelsea fan. Why can you sack a manager only after 2 years, why you can do this thing? Carlo Ancelotti is a fantastic-sucessful manager, I didn't deserve this treatment. First last year he gave us the precious Double, second this season we arrived second only behind a stellar ManUtd. You cannot sack a manager 'cause you're a capricious and childish boy that want the Champions League. You are not playing at Pes or Fifa, you're playing in the Premier Laegue. I think that a team if wants to be successful need a project with continuity, and you cannot sack a manager 'cause he didn't reach you objectives. I think that 2 years is a short period. We must not forget even if the thing is a bit different the Alex Ferguson needed 4 years before to win something. I think that Ancelotti deserved another years and maybe he could have reached the top. But now I really want to see if Abramovich-the child will found someone better than Ancelotti on the market. Really compliments Roman you have done once more a disaster like you did when you sacked Mourinho!

    • Winnie Mata says:

      he can sack a manager season after season, but will continue to by overrated
      big name players to add to his "Fantasy Football" collection…
      ugh…my head is starting to hurt because of how angry this makes me.

    • IrishBlue says:

      I agree with every word you said Summer, it's unfortunately all very true :(

  25. Lotte says:

    So happy for the "Barca bubbas"! They all looked so proud walking off the pitch! When Bojan is considered an authority you can tell that the average age isn't very high. Bartra is a very handsome boy I have to say, even if that makes me a dirty ol lady. Very promising, indeed.

    Also happy for Sevilla!

    And what has happened to Cristiano? He scores as if his life depended on it. Anyway, very impressive.

    But now I'm gonna pray to Thor, Odin and Frey so that they may calm that damn Icelandic volcano down. Those things clearly doesn't like Barca. At least MOUR can't blame Mother Nature for being in conspiracy with FCB.

  26. mria says:

    BOJAN!!!!! i LOVE him!!!! :D

  27. Sarah, Madrid says:

    First of all, sacking Ancelotti is stupid, but what do you expect from Abramovich who sacked Mourinho before him! Chelesa will never win a UCL with this approch and ask us Real Madrid, why did we end up 6 round in the row out of round 16, Real Madrid, the UCL 9 title holders, I am angry and I am not even a Chelesa fan, but I feel for you guys!

    Second, Congralutation CRISSSSSSSSSSSS! You broke a record, set a standard for everyone to follow, you proved you are one of the best out-there and you are not even a classic striker! Oh yeah, we are the defensive club which scored 102 goals in Liga yes! we play anti-football we dont entertain anyone xD, Mourinho ruined football, oh noo!

    On serious note: Depor relegated was really sad, Forza Depor, you will back in year, I know it, however I am still happy for Getafe for doing it.

    Now the season is over, I am sad, oh 2 months is two long!

    • Tania says:

      I SO wish that Depor is back to Primera in a year as you said…!! Forza Depor!!!!

    • @DebStimson says:

      Sarah, I see that a lot of the Madrid guys are sending condolences to Depor. Is there a reason they are not offering the same condolences to the other 2 teams? Please help this ignorant US fan. :)

      • Sarah, Madrid says:

        Because Depor is a team with history in primera , from early 1990s back to early 2000s, Depor was one of the clubs that compete on Liga won it once 10 years ago, actually reached semi-final in 2004 I think aganist Milan they won 4-1, they have a very rich history and their fans are one of the best in Spain!

      • blitzenTO says:

        Because Depor used to be a great team and entertaining to watch. This last season has been a travesty of boring defensive football. Depor has scored the least goals of any side this season.

        • Tania says:

          That was back when there was much less money involved and the underdogs still had a chance to sign great players. With all due respect to all the current players in my team, now it's nearly impossible for a smaller (and poorer) team to be able to hire a Mauro Silva or a Roy Maakay…
          I'm not trying to defend our season, it's been pretty obvious that we've had many problems to score and this was not the first season we had this problem but, IMO, 15 years ago smaller teams had more of a chance to challenge Barça or Madrid (I just talk about la Liga because I don't really how things roll in other countries).
          Oh well, now it's time to start planning next season and work hard to be back soon…!

          • Sarah, Madrid says:

            I agree 100% with you, my club and Barc is just getting way better for other clubs to compete with due to alot of reasons one of them is simply tv revenues, how in earth would other club come out of their financail problems, if 2 clubs take more than 50% of profit which reachs 200 million euro each and the rest is divided on the rest of clubs in Liga.
            This situation should be addressed, I am not used to a liga where 1,2 places has 90+ and third in still in the 60+, seville in sixth place has +1 goal difference, messi and cristano both has 40,31 goals where the third is 20 Aguero, Liga needs to get competitive again, first should start with tv profits then move on from there!

  28. suzieq824 says:

    Ahh you waited until the death of the season and relegation to expose Robert Green to me? I love that man for God's sake!

  29. lorena_yGp says:

    BARTRA SCOOOOOREEEEEED!!!! Ohhh Bartra you're sooo fine, you're so fine you blow my mind!!! :-) )))

  30. Kat says:

    So happy for Cristiano. That was an outstanding performance from him this season. 86 goals in 89 appearances for Madrid is absolutely mindblowing. It makes me wonder what could've been if Mou wasn't so defensive in his tactics this season.

    • @DebStimson says:

      I'm ecstatic for CR7 for winning the Golden Boot & the Pichichi!

      Kudos to him for recognizing his teammates and the fans publicly for their help in him getting that many goals.…

      But under Mou's "defensive" tactics, Madrid managed to score 102 goals in La Liga this season, which is more than any other team so I'm not sure how much more "offensive" you want them to be?

      • Kat says:

        The 102 goals, while great, is a little misleading as a stat. Madrid actually scored more than a quarter (29) of those goals after the 2nd league match with Barca. At that point, Madrid and the teams they were playing against were no longer playing for anything (even if there was still a mathemathical chance in the league), and they were playing more openly and freely. Contrast that to about a third (12) of the games of the season where they either lost/drew/won with 1-0, 0-0, or 1-1.

        • Siv says:

          There were only about 11 games where the scores were 1-0/0-0/1-1, so out of 38, which I'll say is pretty normal. To compare, Barca themselves have about 10 games with the same 1-0/0-0/1-1 scoreline and we can all agree they are an offensive team. As I recall, there were a lot of games before the 2nd league match with Barca which Madrid won 3-1, 4-1, 6-1, 7-0, etc. winning by large margins. I don't think it was because of Mou's defensive tactics that Madrid weren't scoring more; true we tend to play VERY defensively against Barca, but it's actually been fairly effective. As for scoring, we started to score a lot more after Benzema started having a better season…

          • Kat says:

            There isn't much of a difference between 12 and "about 11" is there? And I said 12 because I included the 1-0 loss to Osasuna.

        • mamaly says:

          What is misleading about 102 goals.
          It is by far the best stat in Europe

          • Kat says:

            I never said it was a bad stat. I actually said it was a great one. The "misleading" part is that almost a third of those goals were scored when there was nothing left to play for.

    • Sarah, Madrid says:

      Well, Real Madrid played 2 defensive games in this season which was: a) bernabeu in classico liga until albiol sent off then we went offensive and pushed barcelona back and b) first classico in UCL, where both clubs were defensive one with posession and one without!

      We are not a defensive club and we showed through out the season we did mange to score a 8-0 and 7-0 before anything was over and we did manage to score about 24 goals in UCL, where we outplayed Milan, Tottenham, Lyon and Ajax completely by playing defensively.

      The problem we had this season was Higuain injury which cost us the points in Liga, Higuain is such effective and important player to our club, that not alot give him credit for, Higuain is our top scorer in Liga, he proved it in recent years and if he was not injured, he would be there next to Messi and Cristano in scoring goals, we lost a key player in Liga this season and still manage to score 102 goals, games in the end of day matters because we do play for the pride of the los blancos.

  31. Thea says:

    Well he didn't improve on last year – if anything they went backwards, with any luck they will take MOUR back and La liga will be rid of him!

    • Lotte says:

      I don't think MOUR will go back, but yeah, I agree that would be nice.

    • @DebStimson says:

      Personally I'm glad Mou is staying at Madrid. The improvement in Madrid as a team and the players individually throughout the season has been amazing to watch. But then, I guess if I supported one of the other teams in La Liga, I might not feel the same way. :)