August 13th, 2012
Weekend Results: Scary Monsters & Super Tents
We like a man who knows how to prioritise. Image: Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images.
A staggered start to the European league season, plus the end of the Olympics and the Community Shield all taking place on the same weekend is only going to result in confusion, typos, bickering and glaring errors in the copy, Kickettes.
Images: Getty Images.
The EPL Curtain Raiser™ was a feisty affair, but despite Fernando’s goal, Ivanovic’s red card and Eden Hazard‘s David Dunn-esque skillz, we were sufficiently distracted by our Olympically-honed short tent radars to care not a jot.
Congratulations to Manchester City anyway. We saw enough actual football to work out they look pretty scary. Then again, rivals Manchester United might be about to make the transfer move of the century. If that comes off, realistically, anything could happen.
Come on. You know you want to tell us what you think about that.
Olympic Men’s Soccer Final
Image: Michael Regan/Getty Images.
Where better to shine but Wembley Stadium? Having basked in it’s joyful, sunny eclecticism during the quarter and semi finals, we fully expected Neymar’s hair to soar to new, gold medal grabbing glory in the final vs. Mexico, but it was not to be. The hair, perhaps overwhelmed by the occasion, maybe jonesing for a few butter blond highlights, failed to launch and ended up collapsing on the runway like a dead parrot.
Brazil were left staring at their silver medals in a bewildered manner after Mexico scored early, confirmed it with a second, then did enough in defence to restrict them to an injury time consolation goal via Hulk.
Zlatan. Like Godzilla, only better at football and sporting fewer scales. Image: LIONEL BONAVENTURE/AFP/GettyImages.
PSG’s summer signings also failed to launch this weekend, but the Ligue 1 title hopefuls were saved from total meltdown by gigantic football monster and self-appointed superhero, Zlatan Ibrahimovic. 2-0 down at half-time, Zlatan scored in the 63rd minute, then grabbed the equaliser from the spot in the 90th to pick up a point. ROARRR!!!!
It’s a little early for (and we’re totally rubbish at) predictions, so we’ll stick to the facts. Bordeaux are top after a frank exchange of goals at Evian, newly promoted Bastia (we might support them, simply cuz they remind us of this) are second after a 3-2 win at Sochaux while last year’s champs Montpellier are tenth after failing to beat Toulouse at home.
They’ll be missing this, we suspect.
UPDATE: German Super Cup
Muller & Hummels. Lovely glimpse of inner thigh, but looking like a bee. Image: CHRISTOF STACHE/AFP/GettyImages.
We didn’t actually forget this, we just left it out to see if you were paying attention and therefore could be deemed ready for the new season.
Amazingly, you weren’t.