August 13th, 2012

Weekend Results: Scary Monsters & Super Tents

We like a man who knows how to prioritise. Image: Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images.

A staggered start to the European league season, plus the end of the Olympics and the Community Shield all taking place on the same weekend is only going to result in confusion, typos, bickering and glaring errors  in the copy, Kickettes.

Welcome back!

Community Shield

Chelsea 2-3 Manchester City

Images: Getty Images.

The EPL Curtain Raiser™ was a feisty affair, but despite Fernando’s goal, Ivanovic’s red card and Eden Hazard‘s David Dunn-esque skillz, we were sufficiently distracted by our Olympically-honed short tent radars to care not a jot.

Congratulations to Manchester City anyway. We saw enough actual football to work out they look pretty scary. Then again, rivals Manchester United might be about to make the transfer move of the century. If that comes off, realistically, anything could happen.

Come on. You know you want to tell us what you think about that.


Olympic Men’s Soccer Final

Mexico 2-1 Brazil

Image: Michael Regan/Getty Images.

Where better to shine but Wembley Stadium?  Having basked in it’s joyful, sunny eclecticism during the quarter and semi finals, we fully expected Neymar’s hair to soar to new, gold medal grabbing glory in the final vs. Mexico, but it was not to be. The hair, perhaps overwhelmed by the occasion, maybe jonesing for a few butter blond highlights, failed to launch and ended up collapsing on the runway like a dead parrot.

Brazil were left staring at their silver medals in a bewildered manner after Mexico scored early, confirmed it with a second, then did enough in defence to restrict them to an injury time consolation goal via Hulk.

It was mostly Rafael’s fault, according to the Brazilian FA.  We’re heading round with the Sun-In and a half gallon of pancake batter. That should do the trick.


Ligue 1

Zlatan. Like Godzilla, only better at football and sporting fewer scales. Image: LIONEL BONAVENTURE/AFP/GettyImages.

PSG’s summer signings also failed to launch this weekend, but the Ligue 1 title hopefuls were saved from total meltdown by gigantic football monster and self-appointed superhero, Zlatan Ibrahimovic. 2-0 down at half-time, Zlatan scored in the 63rd minute, then grabbed the equaliser from the spot in the 90th to pick up a point. ROARRR!!!!

It’s a little early for (and we’re totally rubbish at) predictions, so we’ll stick to the facts. Bordeaux are top after a frank exchange of goals at Evian, newly promoted Bastia (we might support them, simply cuz they remind us of this) are second after a 3-2 win at Sochaux while last year’s champs Montpellier are tenth after failing to beat Toulouse at home.

They’ll be missing this, we suspect.


UPDATE: German Super Cup

Bayern Munich 2-1 Borussia Dortmund

Muller & Hummels. Lovely glimpse of inner thigh, but looking like a bee. Image: CHRISTOF STACHE/AFP/GettyImages.

We didn’t actually forget this, we just left it out to see if you were paying attention and therefore could be deemed ready for the new season.

Amazingly, you weren’t.

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23 Responses to “Weekend Results: Scary Monsters & Super Tents”

  1. Hmmm says:

    Mmmm…gotta love Zlatan and his 'tour eiffel' and Fernando and his 'big ben'…just made my day!

  2. Catie2838 says:

    Mexico's win was a surprise, and I think it was a combination of 2 things. A) They didn't totally change their style of play. Most teams had bunkered down in an effort to stifle Brazil, Mexico said, "to hell with it" and went for the jugular, which wasn't good for Brazil because… B) Brazil got lazy. They're so insanely talented that winning seemed certain, and they got complacent as a result. Their back line had a few issues and they didn't have their top keeper. Because they're so talented on the ball, no one (except Mexico) paid attention, including Brazil, until it was too late. It was sad to see Brazil lose, and watching Oscar face-plant after that missed header just made me want to smother him with XOXO's, but Mexico was outstanding and totally deserved the win. I think it'll also be a good lesson to Brazil. That team is young and full of stars, but they need to hone their patience and maybe the art of teamwork a bit more and hopefully the next U-23 can come back in 4 years with those skills intact and grab gold. It's certainly something I would love to see :) .

    On an unrelated note, an odd thing to come out of this Olympics is my father, the casual soccer fan, is now Neymar's biggest super fan in the world. I was not expecting that. Neymar's all he's talked about for 2 weeks straight. He keeps comparing him to Bobby Orr (his first love is hockey), so i'm pretty sure a mashup of their amazing passing skills will soon be organized by him. Oi. So Brazil, if you see a super crazed American who can't speak a word of Portuguese jumping up and down in any and all of your sports venues in 4 years, yeah that's my dad. Good luck.

  3. DebS says:

    Fair play to Mexico. They deserved the win. It almost seemed like Brazil underestimated Mexico. Mexico seemed to be ready for all the cute little back heels and such and didn't let Brazil get away with them. I was routing for Brazil and Marcelo Sunshine but they were outplayed by Mexico, imo. I do like Mexico though so I wasn't TOO sad that they won it.

  4. Jayy says:

    I'm quite glad Mexico won, I was rooting for them all the way! I've been told I look Mexican, so it's only fair I cheer them on from time to time :D

  5. LaYoYa says:

    Mmm… kinda upset you didn't mention Yoann's goal he was awsome

  6. darkchild says:

    Champagne by McDonalds? Really?

  7. tammyv says:

    what is going on the nether regions of the chelsea boys and Ibra inthose pics… damn photo girl/boy, well played, very well played.

    Was it commando weekend? Not even compression shorts? Good god…

    That said, as much as it pains me as USMNT fan to say it. Mexico looked fantastic and deserved the gold. Also i need them to lose at home on Weds

  8. Kristina says:

    Viva Mexico! A big congrats to them, very well fought! They deserved that win, even if sad little Neymar makes my heart ache a little. But it's not enough to just show up for a game.

    On a sad note, the beginning of the season will be a lot less attractive since Mario Gomez is sidelined for up to six weeks after surgery. I might be able to get over that if Thiago heals up soon and Vilanova lets him play. Damn those injuries!

    Lastly, I wonder if that's a Godzilla in Zlatans shorts, or his just excited to be in France…

  9. vamos México!! so proud of my team :)

  10. gin_in_teacups says:

    I wasn't specifically rooting for anybody in the Olympics, but it made me sad to see Marcelo sad after the match. I only ever want my boys to be happy.

    • Sarah, Madrid says:

      After Spain, I wanted Marcelo to win it, he broke my heart seeing our sunshine in tears, so heart breaking :(

      • DebS says:

        That was the saddest thing to see, wasn't it? I wanted Brazil to win but I also like Mexico. Bittersweet. :'(

  11. Loninha - Brasil says:

    Bayern won but I'm still very upset with my husband acontusão Mario Gomez, he had surgery and will run out of play for six weeks, Chelsea lost because they played badly, but Nando has already started his season goal scoring that is good! !

  12. April says:

    Sad Chelsea lost, but given how the game played out, I saw some encouraging stuff for the future. You know what else is encouraging? The idea of a very rainy season and Chelsea's kits combining forces!

  13. IrishBlue says:

    I was working and didn't see the Chelsea match…probably best that I didn't.

    Can't wait for the season to start, I need some regular football in my life!

    • April says:

      Branislav made a really bad tackle for his red and I was okay with a lot of the calls the ref made regarding fouls by Chelsea. I can't say the same for the lack of calls for all the fouls on our guys. :( Wasn't half bad a game otherwise… a bit violent for a friendly from both teams, though.

  14. Miss XOXO says:

    Sad Chelsea lost :-( (

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  16. Marion says:


  17. mimi says:

    Glad Fernando scored, but shame Chelsea lost.