November 21st, 2011

Weekend Results: Soap Wars

Image: Manuel Queimadelos Alonso/Getty Images.

Rich boys and their toys, controversial storylines and rather startling events occurring in the shower.

What else is football but a big old soap opera?


Frank Lampard & Craig Bellamy discuss the proposed script changes. Images: Shaun Botterill/Getty Images, REUTERS/Eddie Keogh.

The scriptwriters on this show have a cruel sense of humour, no? Chelsea fans probably think so, having watched ex-Liverpool players Fernando Torres and Raul Meireles subbed onto the pitch late in the second half of yesterday’s game at Stamford Bridge. The plan was revenge. One or both (but probably Fernando) would break the 1-1 deadlock by scoring a spectacular goal, the crowd would go wild and Kickette writers would claim it happened because he’s got his pretty hair back (left).

Sadly for Chelsea, the ex-player who scored the spectacular goal was Glen Johnson, Liverpool won the game 2-1 and Andre Villas Boas was left to defend his relationship with Roman Abramovich. We think he doth protest too much. You?

The Manchesters of City and United retained the EPL top spots with wins over Newcastle and Swansea respectively, while Robin van Persie stole all the best lines for Arsenal at Norwich. The Wigan vs. Blackburn game was so eventful, the producers of Dallas have called and enquired about a possible spin-off show.


La Liga

Defender scores, is attacked by man with crap hair. We haven’t forgotten, Cesc. Image: REUTERS/Gustau Nacarino.

After a surprise season-opening twist involving Levante, it’s business as usual on the streets of La Liga. Real Madrid top the table after a 3-2 thriller against Valencia, while Barca head the chasing pack after tonking Real Zaragoza 4-0 at the Nou Camp.

Controversy connoisseurs weren’t disappointed either – they got their fill at El Molinón, where eleven yellow cards and one red were issued during Sporting Gijon’s 2-1 win over Getafe. Drama and excitement was supplied by Levante, who refused to lie-down against Atletico Madrid, but eventually lost 3-2.  Anyone looking for a laugh watched Real Sociedad fail to beat Espanyol and remain anchored to the bottom of the table.


Serie A

Philippe Coutinho. Taking hair care advice from Alexandre Pato, apparently. Image: Marco Luzzani/Getty Images.

A major character has been missing from the latest series of Serie A, but Inter made a brief cameo at the weekend when they beat Cagliari 2-1. On current form, it doesn’t look likely that they will feature in a major storyline until the end of the season, when we might be debating a relegation cliffhanger. Imagine the drama!

Rival gang AC Milan have been making the most of their exciting plot lines – they drew 0-0 with Fiorentina on Saturday but remain third. Some people are coping with the spotlight better than others though; Juventus beat Palermo 3-0 and are top, but could have been usurped by Lazio if they’d only managed to beat Napoli away. Instead they drew 0-0.



Arjen Robben: Man In Tights. Image: GUENTER SCHIFFMANN/AFP/Getty Images.

Bayern Munich failed to keep their eye on the prize after receiving their winter costume budget (see above) – they were beaten 1-0 at home by Borussia Dortmund, which cut their lead at the top to two points. Temper your merriment a touch though, Dortmund fans. Your side is currently being stalked by local upstarts Borussia Monchengladbach, who beat Werder Bremen 5-0 and are in third on goal difference alone. There are likely to be several plot twists before the season finale arrives.

Augsberg fans (seriously, if you are an Augsberg fan and you are reading this, make yourself known. We’d be amazed.) have only their club’s consistency to applaud this season. They lost 2-1 to Stuttgart and if their storylines don’t pick up soon, they’re very unlikely to have their Bundesliga contract renewed at the end of the season.


Ligue 1

Mmm, Olivier Giroud. Image: BORIS HORVAT/AFP/Getty Images.

We all enjoy an unexpected and dramatic turn of events. Ligue 1′s entry for ‘Controversial Storyline Of The Week’ was leader’s Paris St Germain’s 1-0 defeat to bit-part player Nancy. PSG are still top, but they are no longer alone – Montpellier’s 1-0 win over Marseille took them to thirty points and gave them a share of the spoils.

Lille and Rennes are just behind on twenty-five points each after a draw with Toulouse and a win over Lyon respectively. AJ Ajaccio picked up their fifth draw of the season at Caen, but remain firmly anchored to the bottom spot with eight points.


Kickettes? Do you have any ideas for plot developments you’d like to see in a particular league? Tell us. They can’t be any more ludicrous than reality.

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59 Responses to “Weekend Results: Soap Wars”

  1. pools Sydney says:

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  5. Natural SEO says:

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  6. Røykeslutt says:

    i like Real Madrid and also like Cristiano Ronaldo only for his stylish play.
    R u like it?

  7. khalid says:

    CR's goal was great. Hala Madrid!

  8. Agnes Wonka says:

    I'm a bit lost, RM is at the top now? :)

  9. def says:


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  11. Peppi says:

    I hope Mour will keep his mouth shut about referees after this. I'm not saying it was or it wasn't a penalty, in the game against Valencia. It could have gone either way. But his bitching about ref's being against him, and how there are one set of rules for him and one set of rules for the other teams, just ain't valid no more.

  12. sıla says:

    Benzema is not attractive.

  13. RealFan7 says:

    So proud of the boys from Madrid, well deserved victory. They stayed calm and focused and dug out a great win!! Mou's celebration was classic. CR's goal was great. Hala Madrid!

  14. jen says:

    mmm adil rami AND olivier hottiepants giroud in one post?? that's good enough to make me even forget about liverpool's glorious victory over chelsea. more giroud, please, kickette!!!!!

  15. JA7 says:

    ROBIN VAN PERSIE! That is all.

  16. Luz says:

    Fernandos pretty hair? I'd say it's quite ugly. He needs to cut it again… When he 1st moved to chelsea… Damn that was some fine hair.

  17. chay says:

    we need more semi-naked pics of karim! yum … thank you kickette!

  18. littlegreenpea says:

    I just watched the Chelsea match for the man candy… namely AVB… ;)
    Chicharito scores again!! Hooray!!

    • Gladys says:

      I kept laughing because there was Kenny Dalglish looking all Old-Dad-in-a-tracksuit dumpy (no disrespect– that's just his thing) and every time they cut to AVB, he was right out of some black-and-white Burberry ad. That is one fine ginger of a man!

  19. Rachael says:

    I’m a Liverpool fan and I just wanted someone to bundle Nando onto the bus and bring him home so he could be with his friends! Seriously I felt it was the wrong decision to bring him on for just 9 minutes it’s not enough time to get into the game and has just highlighted his failure to score once again. I’m also beginning to think the spirit of mouriniho will haunt Abramovich forever, who knows it may even teach him to treat his managers a little better.

  20. Catherine says:

    I love Liverpool ;) x

  21. Kristina says:

    Happy for my Barca, of course. Who needs forwards, ey? Puyol scored a Puoyl-goal. Pure heart and guts! That caption for Piques picture is pure gold, btw.

    What's up with cutie-pants Luiz? He acted like an angry 5 year old in the playground. Dragging and pulling people at random, it seemed. Still managed to do a good job now and then, but… Oh, Glenn Johnson is such a looker! Even if I'm a neutral I must congratulate Liverpool. They didn't take it lying down.

    • April says:

      Strange… I think he got frustrated, but despite a couple of mistakes, he was the best defender for Chelsea yesterday. He broke a number of key plays that Liverpool had going, and was often left to defend against 3-4 men himself. I do think he is a little more rambunctious than Terry is able to partner with, but methinks that in the long run of this transitioning team, that Terry will be the one that has to adapt or warm the bench.

      While I wanted Chelsea to win, I was prepared to lose to L'pool… they are a team with a lot of heart and I think they'd sooner go into Chelsea guns blazing before they'd think to come out the same against a lower ranked team. However, I do think that it would have been a draw or even a Chelsea win if the individual defensive mistakes were eliminated. Would have been nice to have Torres/Meireles subbed in with more than 10 minutes to spare, or not at all. I feel for AVB though… the crowd is perhaps more fickle than the owner at this time. His ideas are in the right place… the personnel on the field isn't (at least not always).

  22. Laura says:

    IT’S AUGSBURG NOT AUGSBERG! Not a fan but week in week out the wrong name? Maybe some fans would say hi if you spell their club right. ;]
    Other news? Bayern Munich will most likely sign Marco Reus next summer and finally forget about Mario Götze. If he leaves my BVB at all it should be Real or AFC.
    Last but not least: Come on you Redmen!!

  23. Miss Lampard says:

    Bad week ever..I'm saying it for Chelsea, thing are going worse than worse. I can't believe at this situation, I don't want to believe.

    • Thea says:

      Really not thinking Villas Boas is up to the job……………..

    • April says:

      Don't lose confidence yet… he is up to the job… it is a matter of whether some of the players are. Some of the old guard are showing they aren't really up to adapting and being consistent about it. This will be a transition year and losses ought to be expected… quite frankly, they were lucky to get off to such a good start. Methinks Terry may be more affected by other issues than he wants to let on.. that or he is in a real case of poor form. But he had already commented something about going back to the defense of the Mourinho days, which is precisely what Abromovich wanted to stop by bringing in AVB on the most expensive fee for a manager.

      • Miss Lampard says:

        Fortunately I'm not a girl that loses her confidence so easy, I'm a strong determined but I hope the will be stronger than me, to pass this moment. I hope so. If I didn't love so much my beloved Chelsea I would give up my Chelsea shirts especially the one that I use to sleep.

      • DebS says:

        I've noticed the same about Terry too. Ashley Cole seemed to be having an off day too. It seemed that Mata was about the only player that could maintain possession and pick out the right passes 80 – 90% of the time.

  24. Hot4Spurs says:

    I love Craig Bellamy, even if he has the shortest neck I've ever seen on a man! I felt bad for Chelsea players and AVB. After Chelsea scored the goal, I was thinking it would be a draw. But, I was secretly happy because that puts Spurs in a better place after they win today. COYS!!! They better win, or else!

  25. Monica says:

    I love the caption put under GP's picture!!!!!

    Will Chelsea ever beat Liverpool again? Will Torres ever score against them? That is one thing I want to know as the future of football continues……

    • chay says:

      as a liverpool fan, i know the answer to those 2 questions: no and no. :-D

      just a bit of friendly rivalry!

      • Monica says:

        Haha! I like Torres and Villa Boas, but Liverpool is pretty boss and can surprise us sometimes with either big wins, or sad drops! I'm so excited already for the next game between these 2!

  26. Kat22 says:

    I think it was difficult for AVB to choose the right team for this game. Last season Ancelotti started Torres – probably not the best idea, given that it was against his former club AND his first game for Chelsea. Ancelotti then made matters worse by taking Torres off and replacing them. Meireles then scored the winner. I'm not saying Liverpool wouldn't have won that game anyway, just that Torres coming off seemed to give them a bit of a lift. And you have to wonder what it did to Fernando's confidence.

    Maybe AVB just didn't want to repeat that same mistake, which is why he left both Torres and Meireles on the bench. Plus Drogba hadn't just been on international break, so might not have been as tired.

    However, credit where credit is due. I thought Liverpool played very well and that save by Reina was exceptional. They definitely deserved to win.

    On a sidenote – with all that hatred flying around the internet and various football forums, it's nice to see that Torres is obviously still on good terms with his former team mates…Agger probably excluded. ;-)

    • Kat22 says:

      *replacing him

    • Sarah, Madrid says:

      I think Chelesa should stick with avb,a 34 old year coach in epl where he has an owner who wants to win and beautiful game, I can't start to imagine the pressure, also it seems like avb is completely changing te way Chelesa plays, so far the connection between him and players is not happening, he just needs time, but apparently time it is something football world always like to overlook!

      • Kat22 says:

        Agreed – success doesn't happen overnight. Alex Ferguson and United are a prime example. Unfortunately patience is one virtue Abramovich does not seem to possess.

    • April says:

      1) Glad Agger made so little an impact after the rather unsportsmanlike one he made the last game.
      2) Reina was Liverpool's best player of the day… hands down. I know a couple of others scored goals, but he saved them from some chances that seemed near in the net.
      3) The goal that never was… I love that we were all fooled my Drogba's free kick. Everyone had thought it went in… that was funny.. until the result at the end.
      4) Was actually happy that of those that scored goals against Chelsea, that it was two players that don't get nearly enough credit for their work at Liverpool (at least that I have seen). I actually quite like Glen Johnson- seems a good apple. And was happy Maxi could show he can still play a role.
      5) I honestly think AVB is in the roughest position of most managers. He's at a club deemed impossible to fail at with such talent, but really, it is quite plausible. I think he is up to the challenge, but I wish everyone would stop going to such extremes with opinions on him. The press drives me up the wall with that… one minute they praise him as the new genius of the EPL, and then after a couple of losses, they say he is young and naive, has no business being there and needs to be turned over to bring in Hiddink (a man that just lost his job for also losing).

      Le sigh… was at least glad to see Torres so happy to see his old teammates, and that a number of them seemed happy to see him too. And I also love/am jealous of AVB putting his hands all over Nando- seriously, he is always touching him!

      • Kat22 says:

        He hasn't slapped his bum for ages though! ;-)

        You know what that always reminds me of? Chandler's boss in 'Friends', lol.

        • April says:

          Love the Friends reference, lol! That brought me way back! I do miss a good bum grab… maybe AVB is concerned with looking like he is picking favorites of the bunch. But there is no shame in copping a feel of that ass. Terry sometimes tries at it too, as well as a few of the other players. Everyone wants it! Myself included!

  27. Sarah, Madrid says:

    I am so happy kickette chose this picture the frensh shirtless <3.

    First, my fav part of this weekend in La liga, when Martin scored for Granada and he burst into tears, this is the sweetest thing but saddest too, I wish his son get well soon. Animo Martin.
    Second, celebration Mourinho, this keep cracking me up looking at Jose who didn't see it coming at all, beautiful game, best 3 points we earned this season, for me Cris goal was a cracker, Ramos celebration beautiful since he dedicated his goal to his mom. Pipa I like calling him our "Angel de la Gurada"

    Uno, Dos, Tres Hala Madrid!!

    • DebS says:

      I just about died laughing at Mou jumping on Jose's back. Jose' had no idea, it seemed like. It was a good thing he didn't drop Mou! Was SO happy for Sergio and the dedication was sweet. But I still miss his flips. :(

      Was thrilled that Mou gave XIT a few minutes. When I saw Jose warming up, my heart sunk because I thought for sure he would go in instead of Granero. Just hope Mou doesn't forget about him. :(

      I must admit my heart was pounding towards the end of the game. Valencia had so many chances, it seemed. Well, at least the defense got a lot of game time practice. o_O

  28. IrishBlue says:

    Oh bloody hell. Why???????? Why does the game I love so much frustrate me like this! I hope we get things sorted quick. I had high hopes for David Luiz when he arrived, now I'm really not sure. Mikel never really did it for me personally and yesterday didn't do much to ease those thoughts. I love all the older players and what they did for us but is continuing the same really gonna work? I just hope Roman gives Andre time to build a team his way.

    On the plus side, I had a dream about AVB last night, lets just say I think he was trying to make it up to me after the bad result yesterday………..I'm hoping for the second leg when I fall asleep tonight ;)

    • Kat22 says:

      Are you going to keep us posted? ;-)

    • Kristina says:

      Oh my :) . I'm still waiting for Pep to step into my dreams… If Barca loose against RM in the next Clasico that's the least he can do for me!

    • April says:

      Luiz will be amazing for Chelsea once they can get some other CB's that aren't too slow to work on a high line and run back. The guys are not doing zonal marking well at all, so when Luiz pushes forward, they need to fill in the area, and they aren't. However, he is somehow expected to cover the entire back area and aging players that are too slow to run back and defend, and I think the expectations for him are too high. I really do think we need to start phasing out Terry with someone that can keep up with the pace of a high line. Somehow Luiz caught blame for all of his mistakes yesterday. If Terry couldn't handle the high line, he ought to have stayed back… would have killed the offside trap for Suarez, but it doesn't appear that was all that necessary anyhow. Cole was slow to get back too… they started the season well but suddenly it is rough.

      Essien will be back soon I think, so hopefully he can help out Mikel.. Romeu has been getting good minutes too. And I really hope AVB gets more time… I think he was brought in with that in mind. If he reverts to Mourinho'isms and backs down from his attacking concepts, he'll get the axe, as that is what happened to all of his predecessors… but if he continues to transition the team (may need to compromise a little until he gets the right group of players) then he can succeed at making an exciting attacking team in a year's time. Both he and Torres were purchased at high fees to start that change.

    • April says:

      Also… thumbs up for AVB dreams! Forgot to mention that ;)

  29. LizzyHS90 says:

    More Adil Rami shirtless pics please!

  30. Miss XOXO says:

    OMG…Chelsea lose again in Stamford Bridge:-((