November 21st, 2011
Weekend Results: Soap Wars
Image: Manuel Queimadelos Alonso/Getty Images.
What else is football but a big old soap opera?
Frank Lampard & Craig Bellamy discuss the proposed script changes. Images: Shaun Botterill/Getty Images, REUTERS/Eddie Keogh.
The scriptwriters on this show have a cruel sense of humour, no? Chelsea fans probably think so, having watched ex-Liverpool players Fernando Torres and Raul Meireles subbed onto the pitch late in the second half of yesterday’s game at Stamford Bridge. The plan was revenge. One or both (but probably Fernando) would break the 1-1 deadlock by scoring a spectacular goal, the crowd would go wild and Kickette writers would claim it happened because he’s got his pretty hair back (left).
Sadly for Chelsea, the ex-player who scored the spectacular goal was Glen Johnson, Liverpool won the game 2-1 and Andre Villas Boas was left to defend his relationship with Roman Abramovich. We think he doth protest too much. You?
The Manchesters of City and United retained the EPL top spots with wins over Newcastle and Swansea respectively, while Robin van Persie stole all the best lines for Arsenal at Norwich. The Wigan vs. Blackburn game was so eventful, the producers of Dallas have called and enquired about a possible spin-off show.
Defender scores, is attacked by man with crap hair. We haven’t forgotten, Cesc. Image: REUTERS/Gustau Nacarino.
After a surprise season-opening twist involving Levante, it’s business as usual on the streets of La Liga. Real Madrid top the table after a 3-2 thriller against Valencia, while Barca head the chasing pack after tonking Real Zaragoza 4-0 at the Nou Camp.
Controversy connoisseurs weren’t disappointed either – they got their fill at El Molinón, where eleven yellow cards and one red were issued during Sporting Gijon’s 2-1 win over Getafe. Drama and excitement was supplied by Levante, who refused to lie-down against Atletico Madrid, but eventually lost 3-2. Anyone looking for a laugh watched Real Sociedad fail to beat Espanyol and remain anchored to the bottom of the table.
Philippe Coutinho. Taking hair care advice from Alexandre Pato, apparently. Image: Marco Luzzani/Getty Images.
A major character has been missing from the latest series of Serie A, but Inter made a brief cameo at the weekend when they beat Cagliari 2-1. On current form, it doesn’t look likely that they will feature in a major storyline until the end of the season, when we might be debating a relegation cliffhanger. Imagine the drama!
Rival gang AC Milan have been making the most of their exciting plot lines – they drew 0-0 with Fiorentina on Saturday but remain third. Some people are coping with the spotlight better than others though; Juventus beat Palermo 3-0 and are top, but could have been usurped by Lazio if they’d only managed to beat Napoli away. Instead they drew 0-0.
Arjen Robben: Man In Tights. Image: GUENTER SCHIFFMANN/AFP/Getty Images.
Bayern Munich failed to keep their eye on the prize after receiving their winter costume budget (see above) – they were beaten 1-0 at home by Borussia Dortmund, which cut their lead at the top to two points. Temper your merriment a touch though, Dortmund fans. Your side is currently being stalked by local upstarts Borussia Monchengladbach, who beat Werder Bremen 5-0 and are in third on goal difference alone. There are likely to be several plot twists before the season finale arrives.
Augsberg fans (seriously, if you are an Augsberg fan and you are reading this, make yourself known. We’d be amazed.) have only their club’s consistency to applaud this season. They lost 2-1 to Stuttgart and if their storylines don’t pick up soon, they’re very unlikely to have their Bundesliga contract renewed at the end of the season.
Mmm, Olivier Giroud. Image: BORIS HORVAT/AFP/Getty Images.
We all enjoy an unexpected and dramatic turn of events. Ligue 1′s entry for ‘Controversial Storyline Of The Week’ was leader’s Paris St Germain’s 1-0 defeat to bit-part player Nancy. PSG are still top, but they are no longer alone – Montpellier’s 1-0 win over Marseille took them to thirty points and gave them a share of the spoils.
Lille and Rennes are just behind on twenty-five points each after a draw with Toulouse and a win over Lyon respectively. AJ Ajaccio picked up their fifth draw of the season at Caen, but remain firmly anchored to the bottom spot with eight points.
Kickettes? Do you have any ideas for plot developments you’d like to see in a particular league? Tell us. They can’t be any more ludicrous than reality.