October 24th, 2011
Weekend Results: The Embarrassment Of Defeat
We’ve been asking ourselves that question for some time now, Mario. Image: AFP PHOTO/ANDREW YATES.
Paraphrasing Sir Alex Ferguson for the title of a post isn’t a route we would normally be organised enough to follow, but today it seems wholly appropriate.
Come out from behind the sofa, Kickettes. It’s time to plough through the burnt remains of the weekend football.
You’re surprised to be in receipt of a red card for that tackle, then? Images: Dean Mouhtaropoulos/Getty Images, AP Photo/Tim Hales.
Since every UK sport outlet has either used the term ‘explosive’ or played Katy Perry’s ‘Firework’ behind a montage of his performance on Sunday, we’re not going to mention Mario Balotelli’s midweek ‘incident’. Suffice to say that this morning, Sir Alex is probably now wishing Super Mario had blown himself (and his bathroom) to kingdom come during his experiments with gunpowder.
Balotelli scored the opening two goals in Manchester City’s 6-1 defeat of their local rivals yesterday; United’s worst home defeat since 1955. We could pontificate for hours on the significance of this margin – does it indicate the beginning of a seismic shift in Manchester, will United be able to recover, blah blah blah, but you lot can thrash out the geological and medical repercussions in the comments. We’ll just say it was a fantastic game for the neutral, Balotelli ‘might’ be a genius, and we’re super glad we weren’t in the United dressing room after the game.
Speaking of problems with the neighbours, Chelsea lost 1-0 to QPR yesterday, having had two men sent off. Andre Villas Boas dealt with the situation in true Chelsea manager style – he became ‘very aggressive’ and blamed the referee. Unprecedented.
Meanwhile, Arsenal, Spurs and Everton banked valuable wins against Stoke City, Blackburn and Fulham respectively, while Liverpool fans are probably still wondering how Luis Suarez missed so many chances in their side’s 1-1 draw against Norwich City.
We suspect that United’s defeat to City will take the edge off it though.
You got over your ‘in-kart’ indignation, then? Image: AP Photo/Sergio Torres.
Lady Gaga’s most famous little monster put his paws up after bagging a hat-trick in Real Madrid’s 4-0 defeat of Malaga. Cristiano’s trio of goals enabled him to snag the La Liga top scorer spot back from Leo Messi and leapfrog upstart Gonzalo Higuain, but his efforts weren’t sufficient to grab the top position in the table that really matters. Levante hold that honour following their 3-0 win over Villarreal.
Barcelona drew 0-0 with Sevilla in a bad tempered game that left the sides third and fourth respectively, while Valencia’s 1-1 draw with Athletic Bilbao leaves them fifth. Sporting Gijon picked up their first win of the season against Granada but remain rooted to the bottom alongside Racing Santander, who lost 1-0 to Espanyol.
Who knew that hat-trick hero Kevin-Prince Boeteng was a fan of abs too? Image: REUTERS/Alessandro Garofalo.
Three goals in fourteen minutes is a miraculous feat, but then AC Milan needed some sort of divine intervention yesterday. The Rossoneri were 3-0 down at half time to a Lecce side who are seriously hungry for points, but in a masterstroke that will go down in substitute history, manager Massimiliano Allegri threw on Boeteng and AC Milan took the game 4-3. They are now seventh, while Lecce languish in eighteenth.
Across Milan, Inter beat Chievo 1-0 in what was only their second win of the season, but it did little for their title challenge – they lie in sixteenth. Udinese are top after beating Novara 3-0, while Lazio’s 2-0 win over Bologna took then second. Juventus drew 2-2 with Genoa for third.
Who’s that with the abs? Who? We want him shrink-wrapped and overnighted to the Kickette office, please. Stat. Image: AP Photo/Martin Meissner.
The reason behind this delicious ab-unfurling yesterday was Cologne’s 5-0 defeat to Borussia Dortmund. Apologies to Cologne fans, but we have spent the last two hours praying that Augsberg thrash Poldi’s boys 10-0 next week. Imagine the scenes!
Other startling images this weekend included Manuel Neuer picking up the ball from the back of his net – something he hadn’t done for 771 minutes. Bayern suffered a 2-1 away defeat at Hannover 96, but remain top of the table. Borussia Monchengladbach dropped to seventh after defeat to Hoffenheim, while Schalke are up to third after beating Bayer Leverkusen 1-0.
That’s Bafetimbi Gomis’ biteable bottom and Yoann Gourcuff on tippy-toes in the same pic. Hmm. We’re spoiling you. REUTERS/Jean-Yves Bonvarlet.
Should extra league points be awarded for fielding players with hot bottoms and long lashes? The debate rages on (in the Kickette office) but until this essential rule change is imposed, Lyon have to rely on their footballing prowess. They lost 3-1 to Lille, but we figure the inclusion of Bafetimbi Gomis’ backside was worth at least a draw.
Sadly, Nancy seem to be rejecting our friendly advances and beat Nice 1-0 to escape the bottom spot in the table. Maybe we’ll start flirting with AJ Ajaccio. They replaced Nancy as basement boys with a 2-0 defeat to Marseille, while Paris St Germain are cruising at the other end after beating Dijon by the same scoreline.
Unleash hell, Kickettes. But in a polite, friendly and mutually respectful way, please.