June 13th, 2011
Weekend Results: Youth Over Experience
Okay Kickettes, we may have to reconsider our Cheech approach. Apparently, comedy devil horns and a gonky grin are the way to amuse him. Not exactly what we had in mind, but we’re adaptable. Image: Reuters/Daylife
Considering how much time we spend moaning about the Weekend Results and how their preparation impinges on our revelry, it’s something of a surprise that when given the opportunity to ignore football and competitions less omnipresent in their nature, we choose to write about them anyway.
We therefore suggest that you read through our reports on the opening salvos at the European U21 Championships in Denmark and the latest fixtures in the CONCACAF Gold Cup, thoroughly examine the photos we have found of nubile, athletic bodies, have a short, guilt-ridden review of your priorities in life and then forget the whole thing ever happened.
European U21 Championships
Danny Welbeck and Henri Lansbury express their relief at scoring an equaliser with a synchronised foot tap nipple grab, difficulty rating 3.6. Image: Getty Images/Europe
This tournament is a little like the Europa League for us. In that we would love to avail you of the details of the qualifying rounds, team form and all the other important stuff, but having undertaken a thorough cost/benefit analysis which pitted your interest in the details vs. our outlay of energy in figuring them out, we decided to eat some Jaffa Cakes instead.
Suffice to say, the highlight of the weekend’s four games for the majority of us was Spain’s encounter with England, which took place on Sunday evening. We would love to say to you England fans that your bubbas demonstrated a prowess on the field that suggest the current Spanish senior side could struggle in future years, but we’d be lying. England were competent and didn’t throw in the towel when Herrera Ander scored in the fourteenth minute, but Spain dominated for large parts of the game and showed much of the ball retention and passing prowess of their grown-up counterparts.
Danny Welbeck’s eighty-eighth minute equaliser gave England a valuable point, but we can’t help but wonder whether some minor tweaking of the Spanish team will inevitably result in them storming through to the later stages. We wouldn’t put it past them.
Highlights of Czech Republic’s fixture against Ukraine included Tomas Vaclik in goal. Ahem. Images: Getty Images/Daylife
Elsewhere in Group B, the Czech Republic’s 2-1 win over Ukraine gave them a useful three points and places them above both England and Spain. Both goals came via Bořek Dočkal, who currently plays for Czech league side FC Slovan Liberec. We know nothing about FC Slovan Liberec and aren’t going to pretend we do, but Dočkal’s performance yesterday suggests to us that they might want to offer him a new deal, or prepare to lose him.
In Group A, Belarus opened the tournament with a 2-0 win over Iceland, while Denmark failed to capitalise on their status as tournament hosts and lost 1-0 to Switzerland. However, while we feel for our Danish friends, please check out the gentleman at the root of your woes. Xherdan Shaqiri scored for Switzerland and is pictured for perving purposes to your left, when he was collecting his Man Of The Match trophy
Soothingly cute, no?
CONCACAF Gold Cup
Sorry Clint, but you can’t argue with editorial policy. Try taking your clothes off, and we’ll see about bumping you up the pecking order. Image: Getty Images/Daylife
While we can pretend to ourselves that our coverage of the U21 tournamant has some semblence of a footballing basis, we sooo can’t with this. We shall be reporting on the results and showing pictures of players who look hot, regardless of standing, success or whether we’ve ever heard of their team. Any complaints should be directed to the Mayhem & Fruit Beverages Suite at Kickette HQ. Enclosing a strawberry pop tart in your letter ensures priority.
First up, the USMNT were defeated by Panama, leaving them in the rather invidious position of having to draw with Guadeloupe in order to qualify. With apologies to the Guadeloupe based faction of soldier boys and girls, we suspect this shouldn’t be too much of a problem, although we would have probably said that about Panama. But your guys did get beaten by that other footballing superpower Canada in the day’s other game, so whothehellknows what’s going on.
Before becoming totally overwhelmed with confusion, we must advise that El Salvador beat Cuba by six goals to one, while suspension ravaged Mexico side beat Costa Rica 4-1. Baby Cheech didn’t score, but nearly killed us with his cuteness anyway.
Have we missed any cuteness outbreaks? Be aware that it is your duty to share such things with other Kickettes, please.