June 25th, 2007

What If: Alternate Plans for Ballers

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Wayne Rooney and Coleen McLoughlin have been holidaying in Vegas. Reported activities include: drinking, sleeping, pool drinking and sleeping, gambling and possibly cuddling, if these attached photos haven’t been doctored.

Within this busy schedule, Wayne found the time to drop in on the Ricky Hatton vs someone else boxing match on Saturday night. Looking at this photo, we started thinking how much better suited Wayne Rooney would be to another career. If you went by sheer looks alone, surely Mr. R would be laying some good bricks whilst swearing like a trooper and whistling at women walking past the scaffolding where he stood, eating a bag of cheese and onion crisps listening to Kiss FM. Or, he would be a boxer – and a mean one at that.

Through the powers of boredom and a vivid imagination, we then started thinking about other footie boys, and what alternate careers they may have chosen had they not had the thighs to join the Premier League…

David Beckham – the guy who spritzes you with perfume/cologne in Selfridges. Gets hit on constantly by customers, but his true passion is with his hobby as a rare bird breeder.

Steven Gerrard – champion snooker player, invests his money into his local community chippy.

Theirry Henry – Voiceovers for Milk Tray and late night movies on Bravo.

Zinedine Zidane -Goat herder who makes specialist cheeses.

John Terry – Professional poker player. Online.

Adrian Mutu – Smarmy barman in Cyprus/Marbella/Canary Islands who makes a killer sex on the beach cocktail.

Frank Lampard – Rapper. Wears white tracksuits and writes his lyrics strictly for the “lay-dies”.

Peter Crouch – Children’s television superstar, famed for his lifelike animal balloon creations.

Jermaine Jenas – Stockboy at Woolies, having secret affair with shop floor manageress.

Cristiano Ronaldo – Former adult film star known for his skill with outdoor settings, now director.

Freddie Ljungberg – Intensely shy guy at Blockbuster who recommends bizarre foreign films and eats a lot of liquorice.

Rio Ferdinand – Hairdressing mogul, multi-million dollar founder of upscale hair products and chain barber shops.

Dijibril Cisse – breakdancer in Frank Lampard videos.

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10 Responses to “What If: Alternate Plans for Ballers”

  1. free bets says:

    I wonder what Wayne has been upto this year after his wedding. He and Endland should have been using their non-Euro-2008 time to work out England’s problems!

  2. LMAO!!  You people kill me!  I only discovered Kickette recently…like Friday…but since then I’ve been totally hooked! I haven’t been able to get any work done…But I’ll get over it. Keep up the good work. LMAO 4 the C-Ron one. <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/lol.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="LOL" style="border:0;" />

  3. Justine says:

    Rooney jest brzydki (ugly) i don’t know co widzaw nim te wszystkie girl……….

  4. Cate says:

    *dies laughing*

    I think the David Beckham and Frank Lampard ones are my favorites. Yes. Oh my God, yes. *bows down*

    You are God.

  5. emmetbeth says:

    I love it!

    Rooney did actually train to become a professional boxer, he had to choose between that and football. So you arnt far off!

  6. Maggie says:

    You know, i’ve always pictured rooney to be the ideal gangster/bad boy type that walks down dark alleys with a bad or something. Good for him. I hope he’s successful because i love him to death!

  7. carly says:

    hahaha! I wish I had your creativity!
    The Thierry Henry one is the best <img src="http://www.kickette.com/images/smileys/smile.gif&quot; width="19" height="19" alt="smile" style="border:0;" />

  8. knotslaning says:

    What is that English boy doing in the sun?  Damn he is white!

  9. ballack's missi says:

    oh, kickette. you SLAY me.

    and if i was bitter and all…

    thierry henry – car salesman (nyork, nyork)

    couldn’t peter crouch do the voiceovers? ‘cause he sounds so much manlier than he does in person (sorry, peter.).

  10. uneditedmara says:

    Steven Gerrard – tennis champion.