June 4th, 2009

What Your Favourite Footballer Says About You

image

We’ve all got a footy player that makes us smile or swoon. Sometimes, it’s easily explained. Other times, they remain your guilty secret. Regardless, wouldn’t you like to know what your favourite player says about you? Our best boys at The Spoiler give female -and male – readers the benefit of their insightful, snark-filled, but always entertaining analysis. They also have rather smashing hair.

David Villa
As an admirer of a man with a soul patch, you are almost certainly an African American jazz musician from the 1950s. You are Dizzie Gillespie. What’s that? He’s dead? Okay, you probably just like spangly earrings or something.

Nemanja Vidic
You own every episode of Prison Break on DVD – even the fourth series that made absolutely no sense. The only thing you hate more than Lionel Messi’s ability to expose defensive frailties is rainy weather.

Michael Owen
Thanks to some lucrative investment and some luck at the races, you are richer than Thailand. The best year of your life was 1998, and you value a cheeky smile more than a personality.

imageThierry Henry
Although hugely popular among your peers and spectacularly photogenic, people are bewildered by your arrogance and sense of entitlement. Your favourite baby names are generally inspired by hot beverages. 

Cesc Fabregas
As a child, you were put in charge of the house when your parents went away, despite having several older siblings. Since then, your head has grown heavy from wearing the crown, and as result you are a little cagey and petulant. Your preferred form of salutation is spitting.

Michael Ballack
Punctual, efficient and dependable, you are more determined to get what you want than Cristiano Ronaldo in a brothel. You find the fail of others completely unacceptable, and will hound down those who have wronged you with more persistence than, er, Cristiano Ronaldo in a brothel.

Pato
You’re not particularly discerning when selecting a life partner. Either that, or the idea of picturing your fantasy ‘baller jacking it in front of a webcam is a turn on.

imageZlatan Ibrahimovic
You are brilliant at your job, but when the pressure is on and everybody is watching, you fade into the background like a girly-haired wallflower.

Danny Agger
Such is your love for incongruous body art that you spend your weekends hanging around provincial tattoo parlours, encouraging patrons to get the Japanese characters for “Thug Life” in the space between their Celtic knot and Maori tribal symbols.

Djibril Cissé
When others zig, you zag. When a friend buys a Ford Focus, you get a Rolls Royce and airbrush a picture of your kids on the bonnet. When colleagues ask for “the usual” at the hair salon, you request a hybrid of cornrows and a Mohawk in all the colours of the rainbow. Essentially, you’re an ass.

Related Posts with Thumbnails

28 Responses to “What Your Favourite Footballer Says About You”

  1. Pingu says:

    um danny also has freckles and looks about 12. w/e bitch is fine as hale.

  2. IRA says:

    DANNY AGGERRRRR! AYAYYY, LOVEEE HIM!!! :) :) :)

  3. ^^K^^ says:

    Your favourite baby names are generally inspired by hot beverages. xD Hilarious.

  4. aristeia says:

    *hides spangly earrings behind girly hair* My other favorite players aren't on here, so I guess I'm Dizzie Gillespie (whom I love, dammit) w/ spangly earrings, girly hair and I'm afraid to succeed. Huh, aside from the dead trumpet player part, that kind of works. *sobs in the corner*

  5. Dee13 (mrs m metze) says:

    i guess i'm an ass… ;D

  6. MrsXabiAlonso says:

    Haha, this is hilarious. My fave baller isn't listed, but worryingly if I had to pick one of the named players I would have picked Pato…..that was until I read what it meant about me..TB I love that smiley.

  7. Venice says:

    Lol aw Nemanja *shakes head*<span class="wbr"></span> As<span class="wbr"></span> a<span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span> Thierry<span class="wbr"></span> lover<span class="wbr"></span> ?<span class="wbr"></span> I<span class="wbr"></span> can<span class="wbr"></span> confirm<span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span><span class="wbr"></span> you're<span class="wbr"></span> spot<span class="wbr"></span> on<span class="wbr"></span> <img src="http://i367.photobucket.com/albums/oo113/smilies012/raspa.gif&quot; alt="Photobucket" border="0"> hahaha

  8. ILOVEVIDIC says:

    Vidic, obv :)

    But i dont own prison break, although it would be worth it for wentworth miller :)

  9. MrsXabiAlonso says:

    Haha, this is hilarious. My fave baller isn't listed, but worryingly if I had to pick one of the named players I would have picked Pato…..that was until I read what it meant about me..TB I love that smiley.

  10. Sarah says:

    Wow, my preferred form of salutation is spitting! Spot on….What can I say, I'm a baseball fan too.

  11. Christina V says:

    I love David Villa, and yes, I do like spangly earrings as well. I

  12. Minnie May ;D says:

    only Zlatan < 33 ? lov ! ;D and all here it’s 100 % true ;PP</p>

  13. Thierry's nxt x says:

    Hehehe, its obvious who my fave baller is…and strangely enough I am spectacularly photogenic…but not interested in calling my child Tea…or coffee…or even hot chocolate

  14. Liz says:

    Sadly my fav ballers not up there, wheres the Smithy love :p

  15. Me says:

    Nothing is true!!! Please try something else!

  16. Nandia Mrs.The Ramos says:

    Since then, your head has grown heavy from wearing the crown….LOL Why isnt The Ramos on there?He's my fav!Im actually afraid what you guys have to say about that….

  17. Vanny17* says:

    aaahahahahahaha I'm loving boys week – so I enjoy Prison Break and spitting at ppl? I'd rather throw a punch and watch Heroes, but close enough *giggles*

  18. Genevieve Gourcuff says:

    LOL!!! That's all too true…

  19. boo says:

    OMG! yes! you're (99%) right, 'thug life' it's not complicated or traditional or morbid enough for agger (europe)

  20. FootballerChick43 - says:

    From Michael Ballack's:"You find the fail of others completely unacceptable, and will hound down those who have wronged you with more persistence than, er, Cristiano Ronaldo in a brothel."Oh my God, this is me :P I venture to say that you're pretty much completely right on this, lol.

  21. Lolinha says:

    ‘In England they say that Manchester is the city of rain. Its main attraction is considered to be a timetable at the railway station where trains leave for other, less rainy cities!’ Right on Nemanja :) Too bad none of my favourites made it to the list. I’m going to miss Boys Week and all this lovely blue. “Your preferred form of salutation is spitting.” LOL

  22. Dani.Mrs José Manuel Reina (PLQ) says:

    wow my favourite footballer clearly says nothing about me he aint on the list LOL !

  23. Becca says:

    Frank Lampard?!

  24. Tres Bien says:

    Hmmm, yes, that is correct.

    I suppose Titi = TB.

    We’re both pretty great.

  25. carly says:

    This is so good. :)

  26. carly says:

    This is so good. :)

  27. LoveLamps says:

    Hilarious! Of course, my favorite baller is not listed, but I don’t dare ask what loving Frank Lampard says about me other than I have an absurdly high IQ, am a workaholic, and often feel righteously indignant.