June 2nd, 2009

The Truth: 5 Reasons Why Men Read Kickette

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Ever wonder what motivates the boys to check in and nosy around on Kickette? Chris from Studs Up gives us an insight into why a man might be interested in our girl talk…

1. The Women

My world view on WAGs and the women that footballers generally attract is shaped by what I see on Kickette, therefore I come here to survey the pulling power of these players around the globe. It reminds me of what could have been had I focused on football as a career, and also been born as an entirely different person.

From what I can tell, footballers all over the world are with women of outstanding class, poise, and beauty. Except in England, where the quality tends to drop rather drastically. Really, really drastically.

2. Testing My Sexuality

I like to test myself weekly by seeing how long I can stare at an Italian footballer playing on the beach in a Speedo without blinking. If it ever goes over 5 seconds, then I know I have some deep soul-searching to do.

3. The Fashion

Despite being rich, famous and some of the most highly visible people in the world, footballers tend to dress like absolute ass-clowns. This delights me.

Ronaldo in shiny silver hot pants? Sergio Ramos out in public with what is clearly a tiny Louis Vuitton handbag? Jamie Carragher dressed like a 15 year old chav but with the face of a 40 year old chav? These are moments that brighten my day.

4. Boobies

Okay, I only really told half the story at No. 1. I also come with the quiet hope that Kickette will post a story with boobies, but so far no luck.

5. Becoming A Better Man

Sure, *I* think Ronaldo looks like a terrifying Iberian lesbian, but do women around the world agree? No, no they certainly don’t. How about Torres being akin to a blonde, rat-faced 14 year old? Oops, wrong again.

Such disparities have taught me that reading the comments left on Kickette helps me discover what kind of man I need to be. Apparently, it’s one who’s incredibly close to looking like a women but with loads of muscles. And big thighs.

No wonder lesbians get all the girls.

Not familiar with Chris Toy and his irreverent, sucker-punch style of football satire? You should be – he’s the man in charge at Studs Up, the fantastic piss-take of a comic strip. His sense of humour is seriously out there. Example: when asked about his favourite WAG: “…if I had to pick a single WAG, there’s something about Stephen Ireland’s girlfriend that’s very compelling. I’ve never seen a photo of her but I’ve seen her ridiculous pink car, and Ireland dresses like a clown so I can only imagine how hilarious she looks. I’m envisioning a cross between Krusty the Klown and Rupaul.” We rest our case.

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60 Responses to “The Truth: 5 Reasons Why Men Read Kickette”

  1. berbagirl says:

    LOL!

  2. aristeia says:

    Boys Week rocks. I am dying w/ laughter– as usual w/ Chris.

  3. Kat says:

    Torres as a rat-faced, 14 year old boy? You’ve read my mind. I’m intrigued that guys like to read what the girls say on this very site.

  4. nicki says:

    LMAO. Dead on with the Cron and Nando descriptions. But I will openly admit to loving The Ramos LV mini manbag…you said it perfectly Lola.

  5. izzy says:

    I can’t believe I’ve been missing boys weeks. This is classic, with #5 being my favorite. Love the comics Chris!

  6. bundesliga says:

    Great post. The Ronaldo and Torres description are love.

  7. Dee13 (mrs m metze) says:

    dude, believe it or not, there are some chicks here (albeit very few) who are totally on the same page as you… WELL SAID, my man…! LOL

  8. gunner-chica says:

    haha spot on on the nando/cristiano thing..loved it!my sis always told me torres looks a bit odd sometimes..well i guess this is it..can't wait to show her..lol..oh n yeah..boys week rox .)

  9. Dani.Mrs José Manuel Reina (PLQ) says:

    I agree with everyone im Loving Boys week ! and Lola i love your comment about Iberian Lesbians !

  10. Genevieve Gourcuff says:

    hahaha – I love male logic!

  11. Jelly says:

    kickette in blue is cool. he is so sexy. lol great post haha

  12. Forever Torres says:

    Very wrong about Torres but nice article :)

  13. boo says:

    you nailed it! sarcasm we love!..aand i’m sure there were boobs involved at some point: alex curran/gerrard. who did you expect to be the most fancied player?figo? giggs? carra? drogba? and the link to studs up doesn’t work!

  14. Venice says:

    …anyway, back to TTO – how about we vote for two of the best guest bloggers this week (or, the two that fail the least <img src="http://i367.photobucket.com/albums/oo113/smilies012/kava.gif&quot; border="0" alt="Photobucket">) and then they face each other in the thigh off?

  15. goalkeeperette says:

    Good to hear out of a guy’s mouth how trashy the English WAGs are. Makes me hope that I don’t have to inflate my boobs and bleach my hair to finally get laid, LOL! And Fernando Torres is one of the hottest men to walk the planet, how you dare!! No Iberian lesbian for me though, plskthx.

  16. Callie says:

    ASSCLOWNS!!!

  17. FootballerChick43 - "Mrs.Ballack" says:

    I?m envisioning a cross between Krusty the Klown and Rupaul.

    Wow. Just… wow. Great article, by the way. Absolutely hilarious. Describing Ronaldo as a "terrifying Iberian lesbian"? AMAZING.

  18. LoveLamps says:

    Ah the male mind never ceases to amaze me. Thank you for sharing Chris.

  19. Susie says:

    You know what I cant figure out about the the Brits who give Cristiano A LOT of **** for the way he looks?

    Didnt David Beckham invent this whole Metrosexual footballer thing?

    Its hardly an “Iberian lesbian” look.

  20. eagle eyed says:

    “Apparently, it’s one who’s incredibly close to looking like a women but with loads of muscles.“

    He needs to work on his spelling tenses.

  21. D says:

    boys week………….hilarious, completely enjoying it.

  22. Merel says:

    Couldn’t agree more on the Ronaldo-Iberian-Lesbian comment! LMAO :D

  23. debs says:

    OOOO MMMMM GGGGG,MWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH XXXX

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  25. Angel says:

    Hmmmmm Cris looking good baby.

  26. Anna says:

    Dear Kickette, Ana Vidic gave birth to her 2nd child during Barcerlona-ManU match!
    Here’s link to the news!
    http://sportske.hr/default.aspx?sid=87295

    Greetings,
    X
    Anna

  27. dos santos girl says:

    Ah, Chris Toy is SO funny.  And the exposure he gets from this website and this little contributing article almost makes it seem like he’s a part of the Kickette team.  Good on you man.  I check out your comics all the time!

  28. LJ says:

    Torres does not look like a blone, rat-faced, 14 year old!!

  29. Matt says:

    It seems I’m not the only boy who checks kickette really often loool

  30. ruby says:

    Why, oh why is C-Ron not back on the Finest Five yet?  Surely he’s been punished enough for the Nereida episode.  If there’s a body out there better than his, then I demand to see it.  Seriously – the hip dip in that pic above is killing me.

  31. Lizzie A.K.A "T says:

    Who wears short, shorts? C-Ron Wears short, shorts!!

  32. Lolinha says:

    You mean you don't come in here to enjoy some top notch football analysis? I'm shocked and feeling a little used (in a good way *wink wink*). In all fairness Nando and Cris usually divide the Kickette community and their hotness is debatable (Unless you're Malin and into everybody LOL ). The Italians on the other hand tend to bring all the ladies together. Whenever there's Canna/Totti/Maldini etc. topic, it's happy all around, those guys are super-human in their hotness. If you're looking for a role model take a lesson from them. Thanks for the Cris pic…always appreciated And in my opinion leave Nando in the playpen, I'd hop on the good foot and do the bad thing with Cris anytime. LOL

  33. Wazza's Freckle says:

    I'm a little surprised that some men read this site – I showed it to my 22 year old son once and he just rolled his eyes. :o But he does like the WAG gallery at the Spoiler. :)

  34. Lola says:

    I like to see how long I can stare at an Italian footballer playing on the beach in a Speedo without blinking too, but I think it's for differrent reasons. The Ramos is the ONLY man on earth who can get away with a tiny LV bag, because… well, he's just being Sergio isn't he? And it's why we love him.Nando does looking like a 14-year-old just a fkgjhnfkhl-ing hot 14-year-old.Please don't be mean to Iberian lesbians I'm sure most of them are much hotter that CRon.

  35. The Fourth Official says:

    I have to agree with your Torres comment, Chris. :) (JK, JK) You could add another reason for joining in with us – there are a lot of smart, single, beautiful, footy-loving young women on this site. Catch my drift?

  36. LizB (Mrs. Vucinic) says:

    *covers eyes and scrolls down past CRon* oh gross, not what I wanted to see this morning. I completely agree with the Iberian lesbian idea. His eyebrows are more groomed than mine and his hair is too greasy for me to be even remotely interested. And the fact that he act's like a five year old who's favorite toy's been taken away and flops down on the ground to throw a fit at LEAST twice a match counteracts any interest I might have had in him from the shoulders down. I like 'em Italian. Side note: I LOVE Studs Up!

  37. ^^K^^ says:

    Ronaldo looks like a terrifying Iberian lesbian That's a classic right there xD

  38. Helle (Footiegirl) says:

    Oh my.. Kickette in blue is amusing! Love it… And obviously don't agree with the Torres comments – but yes Lolinha is right – it does tend to seperate us anyway :o My hubby doesn't get this site and won't look at it at all, when I eagerly try to explain something that amuses my to no ends – so apparently not all men find it interesting… LOL

  39. livealittle says:

    you had me till you dissed fernando. i'm a little touchy about him.

  40. 'TorresNubianQu says:

    O.M.G Torres is sexy and he does NOT look like a 14 yr school boy, and he's got a right sexy face, with his cute freckles an all….but i do agree wiv the ronaldo bit lolz

  41. Mel (Mrs. Pique, the says:

    Absolutely agree with your description of both Ronaldo and Torres. It was time someone said it. Now, could we address the CR7 issue? Why? I mean, WTF? Why would you want to call a person something like that? It's sounds more like the name of the latest model of a random electrodomestic. I don't get it.

  42. autumnmaple101 says:

    Hilarious! Totally loving Boy's Week!

  43. Becca says:

    Yeahh i love boys week too!

  44. DC says:

    5 was def. my fav.i<span class="wbr"></span> didnt<span class="wbr"></span> expect<span class="wbr"></span> to<span class="wbr"></span> enjoy<span class="wbr"></span> boys'<span class="wbr"></span> week<span class="wbr"></span> so<span class="wbr"></span> much.

  45. Emily (Giggsy's says:

    I too agree with the comment about Torres, and I'm not kidding. As for the way Cristiano looks, I forgive him a lot of the unappealing things he does to his face and his hair because of that stonkin' ridiculous body of his. [sigh] Yes, I'm *that* shallow. As a side note: I love Studs Up. It has never ceased to make me laugh. :)

  46. Venice says:

    I wonder what the thigh off will look like this week.

  47. MrsXabiAlonso says:

    LOL The male mind is a scary, but very entertaining place.BTW, Helle, I love the way you casually throw in 'my hubby'. Cuuute :)

  48. Boston Red says:

    And since the rest of you will want to know: <img src="http://i107.photobucket.com/albums/m293/mhogan08/ireland2.jpg&quot; border="0" alt="Photobucket"> If you don't have anything, er, nice to say… don't say anything at all.

  49. Boston Red says:

    Chris I'm going to send you a picture of Stephen Ireland's girlfriend right now…

  50. Malin ("MrsFern says:

    I am so biased, does Nando look like a rat faced 14 year old boy? See, I look like one of those anime characters when I look at him. (Hearts instead of eyes), So I really couldn't tell…

  51. MrsXabiAlonso says:

    LOL The male mind is a scary, but very entertaining place.BTW, Helle, I love the way you casually throw in 'my hubby'. Cuuute :)

  52. Angel_and_Nando says:

    How about Torres being akin to a blonde, rat-faced 14 year old? Who does he think he is? Really, that’s not fair, also ’bout Cris, I can’t laugh about that!

  53. Missy says:

    Ok so I think the descriptions are wrong….well at least one of them. LOL Have to admit that I’ve loving the boys takeover…the sarcasm is beyond great!!! Have to agree with fourth about the reasoning though!!! Everyone loves Studs Up!!!

  54. Kylah (twinyk) says:

    Wow, work for one day and you miss lots. Kickette in Blue confused me to wits end until I saw boys week. I think its brilliant. Wondering, will this be a regular occurrence?

  55. ruby80 says:

    Why, oh why is C-Ron not back on the Finest Five yet? Surely he’s been punished enough for the Nereida episode. If there’s a body out there better than his, then I demand to see it. Seriously – the hip dip in that pic above is killing me.

  56. Beth says:

    lol, rat faced fourteen year old. Funny..though not true Def see the c-ron bit tho, although we should give him some credit for his fantastic body, that is the only reason i’m still looking at the picture above Photobucket

  57. P says:

    BRILLIANT. I am liking Boys In Charge (but no one beats our Kickette, no?)

  58. Malin ("MrsFernandoTorres", if I may) says:

    "Unless you’re Malin and into everybody "
    I Know I, I know. I have become the biggest slut in kickette history. Anything male with a pulse.

  59. Malin ("MrsFernandoTorres", if I may) says:

    I am so biased, does Nando look like a rat faced 14 year old boy? See, I look like one of those anime characters when I look at him. (Hearts instead of eyes), So I really couldn’t tell…

  60. Malin ("MrsFernandoTorres", if I may) says:

    "Unless you’re Malin and into everybody "
    I Know I, I know. I have become the biggest slut in kickette history. Anything male with a pulse.