June 1st, 2009
Why WAGs are So… Over
Bad news wagabees: it looks like your stock is rapidly losing value. WAGs just aren’t as interesting as they used to be. But don’t despair – The Spoiler boys are on hand to give us their take on why WAGs are, like, so totally over, and provide some advice to those who need it on how to stay relevant in WAG world.
Back in 2006, we loved nothing better than seeing troupes of gorgeous ladies stumbling out of Cricket clutching bags of designer gear, a lifestyle made possible by their better halves’ credit cards. But now that credit is so crunchy and unemployment is gripping the nation, the idea of seeing someone not doing anything for a living isn’t quite so amusing.
How to get around it: Trade the boutiques for Primark, and try to pretend that gainful employment is a distinct possibility.
In many ways, the internet can help an aspiring supporting lady – tracking the extra-curricular activities of a target on Facebook is stalkingly good fun, and those with more tenacity than shame can go ahead and create a completely fictional persona to bait some ‘ballers.
However, the intertubes are also a huge threat on the sovereignty of Wagdom – why would a footballer go and meet a lady when he can have just as much fun with at home with a webcam?
How to get around it: Target the professional footballers who are blissfully unaware of the internet. At last count, that was about 95 per cent of them.
The death of China White
Over the years, more footballers have scored at this London nightclub than any Premiership ground in the country. Sadly, the place where nouveau riche sportsmen preyed on underdressed Essex girls with the aid of a VIP booth and champagne bottle service closed its doors earlier this year.
Head down to Piccadilly today and you will see Chantelle Houghton and Dean Gaffney maintaining a candlelit vigil for their former hunting ground.
How to get around it: Head to Mahiki before it goes the same way.
The rise of Rugby
In days gone by, the world of professional rugby was reserved solely for stocky Oxbridge toffs who liked to shower together and devastatingly ugly Yorkshire men with cauliflowered ears.
Now, thanks to a new breed of handsome rugger buggers, the balance of pulling power is moving away from the beautiful game: Danny Cipriani has secured the services of Kelly Brook, while the lovely Una from The Saturdays is now stepping out with dashing egg chaser Ben Foden.
How to get around it: Buy a hamper, adopt a plumy voice and prepare to feign an interest in the finer nuances of protein shake consumption.
The tabloids aren’t interested
Generally, WAGs become privy to the bottomless funds of the Premier League’s finest by exploiting their greatest talent: the ability to get noticed. Unfortunately, even the most seasoned supporting ladies are losing the battle to generate publicity in the press.
Not so long ago, Gemma Atkinson could command tabloid real estate for performing the most mundane of tasks in public (shopping, doing laundry, calculating her taxes etc), but these days you’re more likely to see a unicorn in Selfridges than the Hollyoaks starlet and her ilk in The Sun.
How to get around it: Step into Cristiano Ronaldo’s immediate vicinity and become his next victim. It’s the only way of guaranteeing some inches. Column inches, that is.
Like your snark with a little more macho and a lot more half-naked WAG? Then you’ll be wanting to head over to The Spoiler for a daily dose of British wit, piss-taking and wonderfully dirty “Sporno” photos. Do pay them a visit; they smell like fresh clean laundry and wine gums.