June 1st, 2009

Why WAGs are So… Over

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Bad news wagabees: it looks like your stock is rapidly losing value.  WAGs just aren’t as interesting as they used to be. But don’t despair – The Spoiler boys are on hand to give us their take on why WAGs are, like, so totally over, and provide some advice to those who need it on how to stay relevant in WAG world.

The Economyimage
Back in 2006, we loved nothing better than seeing troupes of gorgeous ladies stumbling out of Cricket clutching bags of designer gear, a lifestyle made possible by their better halves’ credit cards. But now that credit is so crunchy and unemployment is gripping the nation, the idea of seeing someone not doing anything for a living isn’t quite so amusing.

How to get around it: Trade the boutiques for Primark, and try to pretend that gainful employment is a distinct possibility.

The Internet
In many ways, the internet can help an aspiring supporting lady – tracking the extra-curricular activities of a target on Facebook is stalkingly good fun, and those with more tenacity than shame can go ahead and create a completely fictional persona to bait some ‘ballers.

However, the intertubes are also a huge threat on the sovereignty of Wagdom – why would a footballer go and meet a lady when he can have just as much fun with at home with a webcam?

How to get around it: Target the professional footballers who are blissfully unaware of the internet. At last count, that was about 95 per cent of them.

The death of China White
Over the years, more footballers have scored at this London nightclub than any Premiership ground in the country. Sadly, the place where nouveau riche sportsmen preyed on underdressed Essex girls with the aid of a VIP booth and champagne bottle service closed its doors earlier this year.

Head down to Piccadilly today and you will see Chantelle Houghton and Dean Gaffney maintaining a candlelit vigil for their former hunting ground.

How to get around it: Head to Mahiki before it goes the same way.

imageThe rise of Rugby
In days gone by, the world of professional rugby was reserved solely for stocky Oxbridge toffs who liked to shower together and devastatingly ugly Yorkshire men with cauliflowered ears.

Now, thanks to a new breed of handsome rugger buggers, the balance of pulling power is moving away from the beautiful game: Danny Cipriani has secured the services of Kelly Brook, while the lovely Una from The Saturdays is now stepping out with dashing egg chaser Ben Foden.

How to get around it: Buy a hamper, adopt a plumy voice and prepare to feign an interest in the finer nuances of protein shake consumption.

The tabloids aren’t interested
Generally, WAGs become privy to the bottomless funds of the Premier League’s finest by exploiting their greatest talent: the ability to get noticed. Unfortunately, even the most seasoned supporting ladies are losing the battle to generate publicity in the press.

Not so long ago, Gemma Atkinson could command tabloid real estate for performing the most mundane of tasks in public (shopping, doing laundry, calculating her taxes etc), but these days you’re more likely to see a unicorn in Selfridges than the Hollyoaks starlet and her ilk in The Sun.

How to get around it: Step into Cristiano Ronaldo’s immediate vicinity and become his next victim. It’s the only way of guaranteeing some inches. Column inches, that is.

Like your snark with a little more macho and a lot more half-naked WAG? Then you’ll be wanting to head over to The Spoiler for a daily dose of British wit, piss-taking and wonderfully dirty “Sporno” photos. Do pay them a visit; they smell like fresh clean laundry and wine gums.

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18 Responses to “Why WAGs are So… Over”

  1. Lola says:

    The rise of Rugby<span class="wbr"></span> Rugby<span class="wbr"></span> fails<span class="wbr"></span> epically.<span class="wbr"></span> I<span class="wbr"></span> was<span class="wbr"></span> brought<span class="wbr"></span> up<span class="wbr"></span> on<span class="wbr"></span> it.<span class="wbr"></span> I<span class="wbr"></span> abandoned<span class="wbr"></span> it<span class="wbr"></span> for<span class="wbr"></span> football,<span class="wbr"></span> tennis<span class="wbr"></span> and<span class="wbr"></span> cricket.<span class="wbr"></span> My<span class="wbr"></span> dad<span class="wbr"></span> is<span class="wbr"></span> most<span class="wbr"></span> unimpressed.but dashing egg chaser<span class="wbr"></span> wins<span class="wbr"></span> epically

  2. xhanna08x says:

    I really agree with you actually, i think its all a joke, as for as long as there are footballers there will be WAGs, this is so true!!! xxx

  3. aristeia says:

    …tracking the extra-curricular activities of a target on Facebook is stalkingly good fun… *whistles innocently* *hides FB friends behind back… some Roma primavera tumble out* Uhhh… And I don't care if I have to hear about protein shakes, as long as they're shirtless while they blather on.

  4. TammyV says:

    I will be back next week…

  5. LizB (Mrs. Vucinic) says:

    protein shakes lololol oh Venice…

    *helps aristeia hide the Roma Primavera* I wouldn’t know anything about fb stalking. Oh no, not me *shifty eyes*

  6. Fer_Lahm says:

    I miss kickette too

  7. Jelly says:

    :-( and I so wanted to be a WAG oh kickette you do make me laugh haha

  8. Genevieve Gourcuff says:

    Rugby may rise but it will never top football. And if football lives, then so do footballers and therefore so do WAGs. Long live WAGs!!

  9. TammyV says:

    I will be back next week…

  10. FootballerChick43 - "Mrs.Ballack" says:

    As long as there are footballers, there will be WAGs. And as long as they are hoes (see: anyone Cristiano Ronaldo has dated) we will find them interesting.

    The economy was a good point though. Its really discouraging to everyone else dealing with it, I think, and a good reason as to why the WAG world is losing its interest.

  11. Venice says:

    @aristeia – There are protein shakes, and protein shakes (that bring all the girls to the yard)

  12. Malin ("MrsFern says:

    *Assists Lis and Aristeia to hide the rest of the Primavera, stuffing some of them in her bag* There, you stay there.

  13. MrsXabiAlonso says:

    Oooh I LOVE wine gums. Yummmy. Rugby is the best sport ever ever ever, but Danny Cipriani is a complete twot. Can't stand him and his overratedness (totally a word). Ben Foden is far too delish for The Saturday chick. The only problem with egg chasers is that their personal lives just aren't very interesting.I don't think I'd make a very good WAG. I don't tan. I can't walk in heels. I will never be blonde. And I wanna sit with the sweaty men in the crowds, not in my a boring box.

  14. MrsXabiAlonso says:

    Oooh I LOVE wine gums. Yummmy. Rugby is the best sport ever ever ever, but Danny Cipriani is a complete twot. Can't stand him and his overratedness (totally a word). Ben Foden is far too delish for The Saturday chick. The only problem with egg chasers is that their personal lives just aren't very interesting.I don't think I'd make a very good WAG. I don't tan. I can't walk in heels. I will never be blonde. And I wanna sit with the sweaty men in the crowds, not in my a boring box.

  15. doesyourmotherknow says:

    ahh, i have a craving for wine gums now.

  16. Candide says:

    I miss Kickette…

  17. boo says:

    *giggles* actually the financial crisis doesn’t affect the rich people, but it was fun to read. can’t wait for more posts this week

  18. Malin ("MrsFernandoTorres", if I may) says:

    *Assists Lis and Aristeia to hide the rest of the Primavera, stuffing some of them in her bag* There, you stay there.