March 4th, 2008

WTF Files: Posh’s Non-Heeled Heels


If a stiletto is missing its actual ‘stiletto’, is it still a high heel? Also, why do these exist? These are the key question we are asking ourselves after reading the news that Victoria Beckham has shelled out for a pair of the £1,800 snakeskin Antonio Berardi 5 1/2 inch platforms we saw (and mocked) on the Spring/Summer 2008 catwalks last fall.

Listen up, fashion-minded Kickettes: These are the clodhoppers you are meant to be wearing if you have money to burn and style that knows no bounds. Best to purchase several pairs, as surely members of the peasant class and the general public will wrench them from your toddling tootsies and scarper off down the streets cackling over their luck at nicking such a wondrous item of shoe-booty.

We also suggest you warm up your feet by rocking stilts to the gym for about three to four weeks prior to wear.

Lady Becks may be the first reported WAG to purchase, but anyone want to place bets on the first footie wife to debut a pair? Our money is on Alex Curran-Gerrard – what with Ascot, Aintree and the stack of summer weddings scheduled this year, it’s only a matter of time.

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37 Responses to “WTF Files: Posh’s Non-Heeled Heels”

  1. pinky115 says:

    how does she walk? their rounded @ the bottom! shes had sum boots like that befor. the sad thing is, they would be rely pretty shoes if the had the heel, or they could make them flat?

  2. Penny Patch says:

    Oh, congratulations, Malin. I wish you much success.  I'll look for you on Sweden's Olympic dressage team in the future! Who do you train with?

  3. turbo kits says:

    How can she stand without nonhand wheeled?
    i think it is highly impossible to stand..
    turbo kits

  4. hot_bananas says:

    i’d be scared of falling on my arse! who’s the stupid-idiot invented this? scary part is, not only VB will be the victim of this horrid fashion – i’m sure it will catch-on with a lot of other women out there.

  5. Sarah x says:

    So Basically If You Loose Your Balance, You Fall Over And Make An Arse Out Of Yourself… Very Sensible ^o)
    I Think We Should Stay Away <img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="raspberry" style="border:0;" />

  6. freddiegirl says:

    I love platforms; I do.  Big, hooker ones.  Maybe it’s because I used to dance at a Spearmint Rhino or maybe because I spent just as much time with my barbie dolls as I did with a soccer ball as a child that I just love me some big platties.  But. These. Are. Ridiculous.  I can’t remember who wrote this here but whoever mentioned that half of the sexiness of a pump/stiletto/platform is the heel.  Plus this just seems like something the designer came up with just to see if his (I say ‘him’ because I hope to god no self-respecting female would come up with this design) clients would actually buy it.  You know, like making fun….“Hey, my clients are so stupid they’ll buy anything I’ll come out with..“

  7. carly says:

    That SO bad for your spine and your back! I won’t be surprised if she turns into a 40 year old hunchback!

  8. Robin says:

    Those shoes were obviously designed by a man and will be purchased only by people with more money than brain cells. In fact I would look at someone who DID buy them as a complete and utter moron.

    The horse pics are GORGEOUS. I’m a rider myself – English and Western but never to the intensity of you two. I’d love to have a horse but don’t have the time (so I’m settling for chickens – not quite the same).

  9. trainee wag says:

    jeez. the wags have a higher chance of breaking their legs more than their ballers..

    wtf is up with those shoes?
    im already freaking out about how high the thing is.. but there isn’t any ankel support?? wttfff??

  10. aja says:

    i am thinking one only wears these shoes for a night out when one has a gorgeous and wealthy footballer to lean on.

  11. kaya says:

    Good comparison, TFO. I’d definitely say the poor girl pictured needs to be reshod… and they could cut off those things and feed em to a dog.
    Why could I think of buying a pair of platform heels, cutting off the heel and reselling them for $3600?
    Waterboarding is so passe… I think the CIA will be in the market for these.

  12. Elise says:

    About shoes: I thought of all my fellow Kickettes the other day. I was feeling a bit less than fabulous so I went into a shop and tried on several pairs of shoes that cost more than my rent, and I have to say it was great therapy.  And after strutting around in seriously sexy heels (WITH heels!) for a little while, I suddenly felt perhaps a bit more fabulous than when I’d gone in!  Shoe therapy works!  Even if you don’t buy the shoes! I also was thinking that I never really lusted after shoes until I started WAG watching, and reading Kickette!

  13. cheryl bites says:

    TFO: :o Whoah! Only 49 and double knee replacement?? That’s mega tight, my synpathies :( ((

    Mind you, that’ll teach you not to wear shoes with no heels. :p

  14. Ally says:

    I love heels, especially outrageous ones (though I know I can’t wear them) but I genuinely can’t figure out how on earth one would walk on those. I look at them and I imagine putting them on and falling flat on my face a second later.

  15. MrsXabiAlonso says:

    pmsl @ RedGirl <img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="LOL" style="border:0;" />

  16. RedGirl says:

    How the **** can anyone walk with those things??You make two steps and then you break your nose when you hit your head against the floor…

    I also thought that Alex would be the first one to wear them… Fortunately, she always has her hair helmet with her <img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="rolleyes" style="border:0;" />

  17. brandy says:

    Like painful heels aren’t painful enough?!?!

  18. Johnna says:

    What the blooming hell are those? I honestly thought it was photoshop at first. Here I was all “Okay who thinks it’s funny to photoshop out the heel of a shoe.“

    I’m an idiot. But at least I’m an idiot that won’t be wearing that shoe. I cringe of the feet problems people are going to have wearing these. Heels are bad enough on their own.

  19. Rusty says:

    My sprained ankle (which has still not healed after six months) is in pain looking at those shoes.

    The horses are beautiful.

  20. The Fourth Official says:…

    You are in excellent hands there, Malin.  Much luck to you!

  21. Lol, I’ll do my best with that. <img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="smile" style="border:0;" /> I train with Per Sandgaard, from Denmark, he was in the Olympics with Zancor. He lives in Sweden now though. <img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="smile" style="border:0;" />

    I love eventing, but sadly, that horse of mine does not share my passion. He doesn’t jump anything that isn’t neat and striped in red and white…

    Ahem, well, the shoes, yes.

  22. The Fourth Official says:

    Oh, congratulations, Malin. I wish you much success.  I’ll look for you on Sweden’s Olympic dressage team in the future! Who do you train with?

    One more pic, then we’ll give the thread back to the shoe lovers.  <img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="wink" style="border:0;" />…

    The best times of my life have been on the back of a horse.  Seriously.

  23. Oooh thank you. <img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="smile" style="border:0;" /> (This must be how people act when someone compliment their kids…)

    Well, actually he’s half Swedish warmblood and half Thoroughbred. We were ranked #10 in Sweden among the Young Riders last year, unfortunately we missed the Nationals due to an injury. But he’s fine now so I’ll be taking revenge this year. <img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="smile" style="border:0;" />

    I completely lost track of the thread here. Posh new shoes was it?

  24. The Fourth Official says:

    Oh, lovely, Malin!!  Swedish warmblood?  So beautiful.  And you look very elegant on him. 

    “The Baby” was Quarter Horse x Thoroughbred.  My last and favourite mount – sadly passed away recently.  He was a great all-around mount – I evented on him, did some dressage,  and trained him to drive.  I’ve owned quite a few horses over the years, mostly Thoroughbreds and a Danish Warmblood, when I was pretty serious about dressage.  Unfortunately my knees and hips are shot (I’m headed for double knee replacement), and I can’t ride at the moment.  :(

    Sorry to be off-topic, Kickettes.

  25. Oh gorgeous!

    Here’s me and the apple of my eye:

  26. Hey, Fourth, are you into horses as well as football? :O

  27. sarabee says:

    Feel Sick through laughing at that superb equine link TFO! And for any studious actresses its soooo obviously not a good plateau for optimum standing position! Still balking laughin at hoof shot!

  28. The Fourth Official says:

    Any horsie Kickettes?  I look at that picture and I just think “bad pastern angles”.…

  29. sarabee says:

    Im snorting laughing at the thought of the copies that are going to be made of these…and damages claims! LMAO!

  30. Terribly painful, and terribly…ugly.
    You’re so absolutely right Elise. It’s the heal that does it. The higher and thinner the better.

    Mrs Xabi, I’m on the other side. I look like I have two right feet in flat shoes. With the worst posture you’ve ever seen. And my best friend pointed out once that I drag one of my feet after me. That’s right, only one of them. But with heels, I look great. <img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="smile" style="border:0;" />

  31. That just looks terribly painful

  32. QB says:

    they are paying to fall on their faces and be humiliated in public

  33. c9 says:

    Have to agree Elise, the heel is most important is special for a man who has you on your back, or on all fours and he’s………

    Okay, never mind. Got sidetracked for a moment <img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="rolleyes" style="border:0;" />

    But really I hope the first person who wears these in public surely practices wearing them at home first <img src="; width="19" height="19" alt="oh oh" style="border:0;" />

  34. MrsXabiAlonso says:

    And why is it they’ve taken off half the shoe (and the most important bit) but added another zero to the price??
    Bloody crazy!!

  35. Elise says:

    To each her own, but this may just be one of the stupidest things I’ve seen.  Half of the sexiness of a high-heeled shoe is…the heel.

  36. MrsXabiAlonso says:

    I can barely walk in high heels with actual heels.  You take away the heel and there’s a 99.9% chance I will fall flat on my face. The 00.1% I wont is when I’m sitting down, even then it’s likely.

    I’m deffo going with Alex to be the first to wear these ‘beautie’s’ and I can’t wait to see her tottering around trying to balance.  Will be bloomin hard, considering how much her hair must weigh!