June 15th, 2010

Yes, Please: The 5 Hottest Portuguese Players In The World Cup

Portugal. The country that has given us pastéis de Belém (Ed Note: in case it wasn’t obvious, we rarely skip dessert) also gifted us with Luis Figo and Cristiano Ronaldo. During the 2006 World Cup Portugal secured fourth place; this year they have managed to land in the Group of Death, facing Brazil, North Korea and Côte d’Ivoire respectively.

While we are eager to see how Portugal will fare out this time around let’s move on to more important stuff – which (flexible) Portuguese players are most deserving of your attention:

1. Ronaldo – how could we not include Ronaldo? We are obsessed with the man (obsession = sending fellow bloggers to snap a pic of his bottom natch). Not to mention that if we failed to include him, we’d be on the receiving end of furious emails from a) his agent; b) mum Dolores; and c) you lot (and not necessarily in that order). But we digress.

We have an unhealthy interest in Cristiano’s hook-ups and his dubious taste in women has given us the sadz and the lolz – sometimes all in one sitting. Off pitch exploits aside, we know he is flexible, fit and proud possessor of thunder thighs. And he is fierce too. So yes, it would be criminal negligence on our part not to include him in the hottest five list.


2. Hugo Almeida – a veteran of international competitions, he has been playing for the Portuguese national team since 2004. When Hugo’s not busy donning his country’s colours, he serves as a center forward for Werder Bremen.

Of course, those are just details. The important stuff?

Short tent vs bulge. Once – it could be a coincidence. Twice – our eyes playing tricks on us. But three times? Kickette Men’s Underpants Research Institute concluded that yes Hugo Almeida could compete in next year Kickette Readers’ Choice Awards Short Tent Supremo category.


3. Simao Sabrosa – making his debut for Portugal in 1998 (at age of 19). Simao is an old pro when it comes to international competitions. Currently playing for Atletico Madrid’s hot coach, Simao is married with two kids (Martim and Mariana) and once even released a DVD called Como Se Faz um Campeão (or How to Make a Champion) for kids to learn his football techniques. Bless.

What makes him lust worthy material? His thighs for one. And there is this too. Any baller that is not shy about stripping on the pitch is a good baller in Kickette book.


4. Miguel Veloso – a relative newcomer to the international competition, Veloso plays for Sporting in the Portuguese league. We only know this due to the absurd amounts of threatening e-mails we receive when we don’t cover this league and/or incorrectly cite players and teams.

Apart from the fact he picked up the wedgie habit from Ronaldo, he also has the natural talent of looking quite ferosh.

And lastly – Kickettes you should sit down for this one – we think we might have found one man that could give The Ramos™ a run for his money in the hairstyles stakes. We present exhibit A, exhibit B and exhibit C.


5. Pepe – call us old softies but after the injury-marred season Pepe had, we succumbed and included him in this list. Just for the record – we do not approve of his argy bargies.

FYI, Pepe is Brazilian-born but has never played for his native country after receiving his Portuguese citizenship in 2007. And for someone who looks very slim and wirey he has a case of massive thighs.

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19 Responses to “Yes, Please: The 5 Hottest Portuguese Players In The World Cup”

  1. planetpmc says:

    christ, you have such bad taste!

  2. jackie says:


  3. rain's child says:

    yeah… so meireles instead of almeida and i agree with this. tho i don’t really think pepe can be called hot. he’s cute and nice and deserves his place among pretty portuguese players, but hot? neah

  4. embee says:

    poor Nani gets no love :/ I think he’s hot, lol

  5. S. says:

    This list is invalid without Raul Meireles >:(

  6. Dexter says:

    how could Bruno Alves and Meireles not make the top 5?????? Almeida and Simao???? I don't get it….

  7. I just LOVE Simao! Fell in love with him in the 06 World Cup when he was soooo freakin cute! He looked like a little baby! Hard 2 believe he's married with kids…this year however, it looks like he's manned up quite a bit and has been trying to stock up on the testosterone. Don't think he liked the "baby of the team" tag so much…

  8. CR_9_Lady says:

    Where is Mereiles ?

    Usually I hate so much Tattoos like he has, but he is so damn hot *.*

  9. Anna says:

    Well agree with Veloso and Simão!!! Althought I think Veloso is the hotest one!! and true you should follow the portuguese league more often…there are a quite hot players there, like: David Luiz, Javi Garcia, Rubem Amorin, Pablo Aimar….

  10. caitanya says:

    veloso is one funny guy, but he has a great face. He does give sergio ramos a run for his money in the fashion dept.

    Ever since simão cleaned up his look, what a cutie! He looks so "portuguese," so he touches a really nice soft spot in my heart.

    I am not keen on Coencentrão.

    I <3 the tugas!

  11. Anon says:

    bruno alves and danny instead of simao and almeida imo!

  12. Gaby says:

    In my top 5 Tiago has to be instead of Pepe although Meireles and Coencentrao are close eanough… too hard to pick just 5!!!

  13. Venice says:

    This post needs more Bruno Alves…

  14. Ella says:

    Love this list! Ahem, it is also ‘criminal negligence’ to not have Cristiano on the Hot HOF or Finest Five lists. Just sayin’, Kickette! :)

  15. aristeia says:

    So many delicious Portugese, Ronaldo aside. But (as my dear Carly knows) my loins heart remains w/ Meira. His fine ass and big nose are what makes me purr.

  16. Sam says:

    How about Fabio Coentrao? Blondie impressed me greatly in the Portugal v Ivory Coast group opener.